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She deserved the whole truth, even if it was a truth he had just figured out. Or just finally admitted to himself. He closed his eyes and reluctantly forced himself to finish.
“And I can’t let myself be in a relationship with anyone anyway. I . . . I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I lost another person I let myself care about.”
Shaina answered almost immediately, her voice gentle and caring. “Oh, sweetie,” she said, “you can’t do that to yourself. You have to let yourself live, Ash. You have to give yourself the chance to be happy.”
“Maybe I’ll be happiest if I’m alone,” he mumbled. “Just me and Bri. That’s . . . the safest.”
Ash opened his eyes, but he still saw Cass’s kind expression and soft smile from only a few hours ago, and some warmth that felt comfortable and quiet and so very safe spread from his chest and outward, wrapping him up and blocking out all the bad.
“Ash . . .”
“I don’t know if I can handle it, Shai,” he said again, but even he could hear there was very little conviction in his voice now. “What if . . .”
“What if he’s exactly what you need? What if he’s as sweet and caring as he sounds? What if you give it a chance and see what happens?”
“He lives in California. Six hundred miles away,” Ash argued.
“Even better,” Shaina countered. “You can take your time getting to know each other. There won’t be so much pressure or time commitment. And you’ll both be busy with school, so he’ll understand on that front, too. And you said he was wonderful with Bri.”
“Oh, yeah. I think he adored her.” Ash pushed himself up to sit, glad he didn’t feel woozy anymore.
“That’s perfect. He’ll understand your commitment to her also.” Shaina paused, and her voice was gentle when she said, “He’s already a good friend, right?”
“Yeah. Very.”
“Do you trust him?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“So maybe give it a chance and see what happens. You deserve to be happy, Ash. And, not that I’ve been paying that much attention, but when you talk about him, you kinda sound different. In a good way. Like you’re . . .” She trailed off as though reluctant to say the next words. But Ash knew where she’d been going.
“Like I’m not as broken?”
“No. Like you’re actually happy,” Shaina corrected, her voice soft. “Like he’s already giving you something you’ve been needing for a long time.”
His chest tightened, but in a way that wasn’t uncomfortable. She was right. Again.
“It still wasn’t a date,” he said. “You won’t convince me otherwise.”
Shaina laughed lightly, the sound bringing a small smile to Ash’s lips. “Okay, okay. But maybe—”
“Maybe give me some time to process all of this?” he said. “And I don’t really know how Cass feels. Or if he wants a relationship. Or even if he’s single.”
“Isn’t he? You said he broke up with his boyfriend a while ago.”
“Yeah,” Ash said, “but that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else now.” Slowly, he got his feet under himself and stood. The wobbly feeling from earlier was gone. “In any case, I, um . . . I just need some time. Okay?”
“Yeah, of course,” Shaina said. She was quiet for a moment, then she added, “Just don’t forget that it’s okay for you to be happy or to try to find happiness. I know everything—everything has been so, so hard, and I know you’re still grieving. We’re all still grieving.”
“I think I always will be,” Ash said quietly.
“Probably.” Shaina’s voice wavered. “I miss her every day. Every single day, even still. I’m not sure that will ever go away. But you deserve to have happiness, to let yourself be happy, Ash. Just . . . don’t forget that.”
He nodded, though he knew she couldn’t see. “I’ll try.”
“Soooooo, now that all that heavy emotional stuff is out of the way, let me tell you about a date I had on Saturday.”
Ash muffled a laugh. “With that banker guy, Chad?”
