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Hush

Page 147

by Avery Collins

The tears have dried on my face, leaving stiff trails down my cheeks. I did not know tears could dry and still keep falling somewhere inside. I thought grief would move like storm or hunger, loud enough that the body knew what to do with it. Instead, it settles in my chest and grows heavier. The sobs leave me, and what remains is worse, a silence so complete that even rage cannot find a root.

My brother is dead. The Varkhyn is gone. The false lantern has cracked. The old threat that hunted Lucas is returned to earth and judgment. Balance has closed its teeth at last.

Balance can go rot.

I bend lower over Lucas and breathe him in because there is still scent, and scent is memory before thought can ruin it. Pine, river water, smoke, old leather, salt, blood. Beneath it all is the bright, living note that made me stop on a trail months ago and understand that every year before him had only been waiting in disguise.

That brightness is dim now, fading at the edges, but I chase it like a starving thing. I breathe until my chest hurts. I breathe until my claws curl into the soil. I breathe until memory comes whether I want it or not.

Lucas on his porch the first evening, tired and heartbroken, looking into the trees because some part of him felt me watching, though he did not know my name. Stepping around the bundle I left instead of kicking it away, running from my first face, then placing a black stone on his step.

Meeting in the dream, naming me Onyx, giving a human sound to a thing too old for his mouth and making me want to kneel before him for it. Touching my skull for the first time, his hand careful, his fear honest but not cruel, his thoughts louder than he believed because beautiful spilled through him before shame could catch it.

I rock once, though there is no comfort in motion, and the memories do not stop. My last memory of him burns, and no matter how I push it away, it comes clearly.

Lucas furious in his cabin, telling me to let him breathe because love held too tight becomes another kind of cage. Lucas in the mine, bound and bleeding, still refusing to give my brother the satisfaction of breaking. Lucas dying in my arms and telling me he loved me like the forest, not easy, not safe in the way humans mean safe, but home anyway.

Home.

The word has no place to live now. No home.

His cabin will be empty. The annoying den will hold his mug beside the sink, his boots by the door, and the shirt he threw over a chair and forgot because he had a talent for making disorder look inhabited. The cold box will hum smugly for no one. The squirrel in the roof will commit crimes unchallenged because Lucas is not there to forbid interrogation.

Parker is dead, Jonah will learn his rescue call was used as bait, and Mel will lose her brother after already watching her son come back from horror with half his youth missing. Tom will stand in the ranger station and stare at the forest like an old enemy finally took the one man he hoped might understand it.

Human grief will spread in circles from this hollow, and I will have caused part of it by leaving, by hiding truth, by believing I could carry danger alone and keep Lucas outside its teeth.

I press my mouth to Lucas’s hair. “I am sorry,” I say aloud, because I can speak now and hate the gift because it came too late to keep him listening. My voice is rough, broken from begging, but the hollow receives it. “I am sorry, Little Ember. I learned too slowly. I held too tight. I left too long. I found you too late.”

The stone circle stays silent because Aestrata has stepped back, or perhaps she still stands beyond sight, watching with the patience of roots and gods. I cannot lift my head to look.

I asked, I offered, I gave her everything I knew how to give, and still Lucas lies quiet against me. There is nothing left to ask with, nothing left to trade. The bargain was refused, or accepted in some form I do not understand: either way, his chest does not rise.

“Take me anyway,” I whisper, closing my eyes. “There is nothing for me now.”

Desolation is not darkness—I know darkness. Darkness has depth, scent, shelter, living things moving within it. Desolation is a field after fire when even ash has gone cold. It is the deep winter hollow where no animal dens because some old wrongness has poisoned the ground. It is a lantern without flame, an antler without skull, a guardian without territory, because territory means nothing if the one I guarded is gone.

I feel myself stepping into it, not with feet, but with whatever remains of will. The forest can keep my body for a time. It can place me at borders. It can move my limbs when danger comes. Perhaps I will still kill what harms the land. Perhaps I will still frighten fools away from floodwater and fire. But Onyx, the name Lucas gave me, is already kneeling here, dead beside him.

A hand touches the side of my face, and for one impossible moment, I do not understand.

The touch is light. Weak. Barely pressure at all, fingertips brushing near my jaw where Lucas always liked to rest his hand. My mind rejects it. Grief makes ghosts from wanting. The body remembers what it cannot have and sends lies through nerves as mercy.

I do not move because if I move and the hand is not there, if I break this last cruelty open and find only air, I will become something the forest may have to bury beside my brother.

The fingers stroke again.

Not air; warmth. A thread in the bond sparks.

Tiny.

Golden.

Alive.

I open my eyes and see Lucas looking up at me.

His face is pale and streaked with blood, his lips parted around a breath so shallow it would not stir dust, but his eyes are open. Moss-colored. Tired. Full of pain, wonder, and a strange soft amusement that belongs to him so completely that the hollow tilts beneath me.