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At some point, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and glanced at the setlist. They were already on the eleventh song. Leaf tried to focus on his cue, but his gaze kept drifting to Tristan. Sadness welled up in him, leaving him feeling weary and empty.

How could he have just left him standing there yesterday? But Leaf alone knew how heavy his guilt weighed. And it couldn’t be lessened by sex or hot kisses. What he had allowed himself yesterday afternoon, what he had received from Tristan, was too much. He didn’t deserve any of it. Yet he wanted nothing more than to hug Tristan, kiss him, and stroke his cheek. Just to hold him tight and feel his warmth. He seemed incredibly vulnerable, delicate, and beautiful all at once. The way his black curls fell on his forehead, how he held onto the microphone, moved gently to the beat of the music, and whispered the words …

God, that man has sex appeal!

Why couldn’t the guilt just disappear?

“I don’t blame you.”

Leaf sighed inwardly. But I blame myself.

Why couldn’t Tristan just hate him? That would have made everything much easier. But Leaf already knew—he was all Tristan had left, the only family remaining. Yet Leaf was far from what Tristan wanted to see in him. Certainly not since last night. Tristan should scream his anger in his face, pound his fists on his chest. Leaf would hold onto his despair and calm him down. Would be strong for him, and endure any punishment, because he didn’t deserve anything else.

Dizziness overwhelmed him, and for a moment, the world blurred behind a thick fog. Leaf staggered to the side and leaned on the amp. Breathless, he gasped for air. He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath. Moreover, he had missed his cue, causing José and Andrej to finish the song without him. From a distance, he heard his name. Dazed, he raised his hand, signaling that everything was fine. No one should come any closer.

“Ten songs!” Andrej exclaimed angrily. “Is that all you can handle? God!”

“Stop it,” Tristan cautioned, his voice calm. “Leave him alone. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just start over.”

Leaf unhooked the guitar strap and placed the instrument in the stand. Where did he get this understanding from him? Yet another thing he didn’t deserve. He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, puffing out the smoke.

“You really need to pull yourself together.” Andrej set the bass aside and stepped closer to him. Menacingly close. Without saying a word, Leaf took a drag from the cigarette.

“Just look at yourself,” Andrej taunted. “You’re a mess! Does your dad know you’re letting yourself go like this? Maybe I should give him a heads-up.”

Leaf flicked the cigarette and grabbed Andrej by the collar, punching him in the face. Andrej tumbled backward, but Leaf held onto him and punched him again.

Another secret Andrej knew nothing about. If they had had a better connection, he might have told him once that his father had treated him like dirt after his mother’s death. But now it was too late. Andrej’s mockery was too much.

“Stop it!” Tristan and José intervened, prying them apart. While José helped Andrej back up, Leaf broke free from Tristan and paced around the room like a hunted animal, agitated. He felt trapped, like in a cage that was too tight. His heart raced, and his whole body was screaming for a fix. He ran his hands through his hair and belted out an annoyed scream.

“We all have bad days!” Andrej shouted as he pressed his hand against his bleeding nose. “Why do you always have to be so out of control?”

Leaf turned around and tried to go for him again, but Tristan held him back. “Calm down,” Tristan pleaded, his tone tinged with compassion.

“Let me go!” Andrej broke free from José and straightened his jaw. “For God’s sake! What’s wrong with you two! Just fuck each other already, then we can end this tragicomedy! Fuck!”

Leaf clenched his fist, still feeling Andrej’s hard jaw against his knuckles.

“Ignore him,” Tristan whispered.

“I need to get out of here.”

Leaf grabbed his things and stormed out of the rehearsal room.

26

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Paradise Rock

“Paradise Rock FM! It’s Anna Banana in the house! And you just heard ‘Scary People’ by Nightstalker! Hey Clint, ever since yesterday, I can’t shake the feeling that you might be one of those ‘Scary People.’ What happened, man? I mean, you’re such a huge fan of the band and have known them since the start. Shouldn’t you have realized that topic needed a heads-up?”

“Hello, Anna! Well, I don’t even know what to say about that. Guilty as charged? If only it were that simple.”

“Then fill us in.”

“My source from Vegas hit me up just thirty minutes before the broadcast and confirmed the story with newspaper articles. I know it wasn’t the best way to handle things, but there just wasn’t enough time to talk it over with Tristan James beforehand. Plus, it was the only interview the band had scheduled before the tour. I couldn’t miss the chance to report on it. I mean, it was also about giving Tristan the chance to comment, which is still better than dropping the story without any input.”