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My spiral doesn’t start until Monday morning when I’m back in the office.

Maybe it’s the fact that I spent an entire weekend unplugged with Charli. No work, no phone, no reminder of my day-to-day life.

Or maybe it’s being smacked in the face with that life that does it. That makes me relive my conversation with Charli about my career.

It’s not that bad.

That’s what I was going to say when she asked why I’m still here. That this life, this career, these things that Charli hates…they’re not that bad.

But I couldn’t say that to her. Because that’s not what she wanted to hear. And if I’m being honest with myself, it’s not true, either. They were just lies I’m using to try to convince myself.

Because the truth of the matter is…I’m scared.

I’m scared of who I am without all of these things. This money, this status. Even the connections. Because they spread to every corner of my life, not just work. Having the money I have—especially after growing up in a lower-class household—and having the clients I have, I can solve pretty much any problem that’s thrown my way. I can help my brother when he’s searching for his soulmate, because I have that connection. I can help my father when he’s stressing himself out trying to save for retirement.

Even though they didn’t need those things, I feel good being able to provide them. I feel valuable. Without them, who even am I?

I’m still thinking through my white hat roommate-inspired mid-life crisis when Samantha buzzes the intercom in my office.

I press the button with a sigh, knowing I’ve been staring out over the city for far too long at this point. “Yes?”

“Professor Randall is here to see you.”

I straighten. Randall is here? He might be a good one to talk to about these thoughts.

“Thank you, Samantha. Send him in.”

I stand as the door opens and a smiling Randall appears.

“Lucas,” he greets, but then frowns. “You look like you have something on your mind.”

I extend my hand with a chuckle. “How is it that you still know how to read me? I get it when I was twenty and green and far too expressive, but now?”

He returns the handshake. “You’re not that hard to read when it’s someone who knows you. That mask made of charm doesn’t hide much once you know it’s there.”

I collapse into my chair with a huff. “That’s fair.” Gesturing at the chair in front of my desk, I ask, “To what do I owe this visit? How’s the missus?”

Randall’s eyebrow quirks as he unbuttons his suit jacket and takes a seat, but it’s a minor reaction and I almost miss it.

“She’s good,” he answers. “Ready for me to retire. Hopefully, this doesn’t come off as micromanaging, but I just wanted to come by to see how the audit was going.” He tips his head. “And to say hello to my favorite student, of course.”

I laugh softly. “I don’t think you meet the definition of micromanager if the audit has been going on for weeks and you haven’t checked in before this.”

Randall shrugs. “I trust you. And you said you trust your PI, so…”

I nod. “I do. She’s the best, by far. She hasn’t found anything, but she’s checked almost everything and feels confident that she’s ahead of schedule to provide her final findings. If there’s anything there, she’ll find it. I promise.”

I feel a little less doubt about myself and a little more pride when Randall simply nods and says, “If you say she’s the best, then I trust you. I knew when I walked in here that you’d take good care of my company, Lucas.”

I nod firmly. “Of course, sir. This is my top priority.”

Randall nods in understanding, then tilts his head as he studies me. “So…what’s on your mind then?”

A big exhale rushes out of me. If anyone can talk me through this, it’s probably Randall.

My focus shifts to my law degree on the wall, the last time I felt truly proud of myself. Randall saw me through that phase of my life.

“You know how you tease me about working with Fortune 500 companies?”