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“I'm fine,” I muttered.

“Are you?” Kaz asked. “You asked me to save Severin and then refused to visit him even once in the hospital. Even I pretended to care about him and showed up for him in the hospital.”

“I literally checked him out.”

“That’s not visiting.” His lips quirked. “How quickly did you ditch him as soon as the press was no longer around?”

“Immediately.” Neeve leaned back, watching me, amusement playing on her face.

I cracked my neck. “Okay, what is your point? Should I really spend time with him? I’m planning to kill him.”

“Yes, except you didn’t.” Kaz’s eyes warmed.

I ran a hand down my face. “What is it you’d like me to say?”

“I want you to admit that you are struggling,” he said.

“I’m not.”

“You know, I never thought of you as a liar.” He swung his feet off of my desk and sat up straight.

I put my elbows back on the desk and rested my head in one hand, turning toward the window. After a long moment, I finally said, “It wasn’t the right time for him to die. I couldn’t let it happen, but I promise you both.” I looked between them. “When the time comes, I will kill him. I will kill them all.”

Neeve raised an eyebrow. “All of them really?”

“Yes,” I breathed, knowing exactly who she was referencing.

I didn’t want to talk about Blackwood and what I was going to do with him. I hadn’t decided.

He was the one Order member who wasn’t necessarily on my ledger, but he also wasn’t not on it. It was complicated. Had he rented me? Yes.

But he was also my anchor in a raging sea. The man who pieced me back together, only to tear me apart again. He rented me for a year, protected me, and gave me true peace for a time.

But then it all fell apart.

And I wasn’t entirely sure why. We’d been happy, and I was convinced he was in love with me and wanted to keep me forever. In that condition, I would have let him. I would have loved him and given him everything.

It was amazing what brainwashing could do.

But then, he abandoned me, throwing me back into my prison cell.

I didn’t know why.

Frankly, I was too afraid to find out.

But deep down, I knew it was because I failed him, and he couldn’t forgive me for what happened to her. I blamed myself too, and I would always hate myself for it.

I rubbed my head. The Order had messed me up so much that I was making excuses for my abusers.

“Can I ask you a different question?” Neeve’s voice was tentative.

“Yes, of course,” I said. “Although, I assume if you have to ask me, I won’t like what you’re about to ask.”

“You definitely won’t.”

“Great.”

“I understand struggling with Severin. But why haven’t you started looking for the Man in Black or Blackwood yet? Why are you avoiding them?”