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Light My Fire

Page 49

by Jade Fierro

What Dani misses is specific, and she's learned to say it out loud, because Zara extracts it from her otherwise, patient as a records request. She doesn't miss the danger. She misses the moment the rig rolls out and the whole crew becomes one animal with eight hands. She misses Quinn's terrible singing, and the smell of a clean airpack, and rookies' faces at their first save, and Lena across a hose bed saying nothing at exactly the right volume. She misses being the woman somebody's worst night was waiting for. A volunteer company drills in the village on Tuesdays, and the captain has stopped pretending he isn't courting her.

This morning, once the kitchen is quiet again, Zara watches Dani stand at the window with her coffee, tracking the sound of the volunteer company's siren as it rises from the village and fades inland, her chin lifting, her weight already on the balls of her feet, twelve years of tones at midnight living on in a body that no longer has anywhere official to put them.

“You can go back,” Zara says, not for the first time. “I'm holding the promise. You can claim it whenever you want, Dani. They'd take you in a heartbeat, here or anywhere, and I'd drive you to your first shift and embarrass you in front of the crew.”

“I know.” Dani turns from the window. “Not yet. Next year, maybe. The volunteer captain keeps leaving application forms in our mailbox like ransom notes.” She crosses the kitchen and kisses Zara, unhurried, coffee-flavored, while the cat watches with contempt. “I love you. You burned my whole life down and look at us.”

“I love you,” Zara says. “Get your coat. We have an appointment.”

The memorial stands on the waterfront in the city's newest park, where the hearings ruled the ground be set aside, a long low wall of pale granite facing the water, and into the granite are cut seven names. Three of them belong to children. The city argued for a year about the wording and in the end chose almost none, only the names, the date, and a single line beneath: THEY WERE OWED BETTER. School groups come on weekdays. Somebody's grandmother keeps planting bulbs at the base of it, against regulations, and the parks department has surrendered.

They park at the far end and walk in along the water, past the ferry dock and the winter-empty benches. Dani has been here twice. Zara has been here more times than she's ever admitted, always on weekdays, always alone in a crowd, learning by increments to stand in front of it without checking the sightlines first. Today is the first time they've come together.

The wind comes off the river hard and gray, and they're two women in good coats among the joggers and the gulls, and nobody looks twice, because the city has long since stopped looking for anyone. Zara walks the length of the wall slowly, the whole inventory, and stops at the sixth name.

NATALIA DELANEY.

Cut in granite, in public, in daylight, facing the water, where the ferries pass and the school groups come, in the city that once said tragedy nine times rather than say her name at all.

Zara takes off her glove. She puts her bare fingers on the letters and traces them as she once traced equations, and then her shoulders come down, and the grief arrives, the grief she has carried for twelve years in a shoebox, in a locked room, in a steady hand. She lets it come, in the open, with her face bare to the wind and the tears running freely, a woman crying at a memorial, ordinary as rain, no alias and no discipline left between her and it, only the big sister, twenty-one again for a few minutes, sobbing for the girl who had her hair done early for school.

Dani doesn't speak. She stands beside her and takes her hand, the grip they've traded since a diner booth a lifetime ago, and she holds on while it pours through, and a jogger slows, reads the wall, understands, and gives them the gift of going by. The bulbs at the base of the wall are coming up in green points, in November, too early, entirely against the rules. Natalia would have approved of them.

“She's everyone's now,” Zara says at last, wrecked and clear. “I gave her to the whole city, and they took her.”

“That was always the work,” Dani says. “You just thought it needed a fire.”

Then Zara wipes her eyes with her wrist and laughs, one wet unguarded bark, and tells a story Dani has never heard, right there at the wall, about Natalia and a neighbor's cat and a campaign of deli ham conducted up six flights of stairs over an entire summer, a campaign that ended with the cat asleep in Natalia's bed and the neighbor ringing their doorbell holding an empty collar. Halfway through it she's laughing and crying at once, and she keeps going anyway, and Dani holds her hand and listens and laughs in the right places, because she understands what she's watching. A year ago, every story lived in a locked room with the lights off. Now they come out in daylight, at a public wall, with strangers walking past, and they end in laughing.

They stand until the cold makes the decision for them, and then they walk the seawall north a while, hand in hand, past the new pilings where the Pinnacle's owners are paying, by court order, for housing they will never set foot in. They have lunch at a counter where nobody knows them, and they drive home down the coast road as the light goes long and gold, Zara's palm resting open on Dani's knee the whole way, an old habit from a rainy night neither of them has ever needed to mention.

And that night, on the porch, wrapped in two blankets and the smell of woodsmoke from their own chimney, doing no harm to anyone, they shop for kittens.

“This one.” Dani holds up the phone. On the screen, a ferocious orange scrap glares out of a laundry basket two towns over, ears too big for its head. “Look at the attitude. Look at the ears. Probie needs a probie.”

“He'll be horrified.”

Dani turns the screen so the porch light catches it, as if better lighting will close the sale.

“He'll be in charge. It's the happiest he's ever been.” Dani scrolls, comes back to the orange one, scrolls, comes back again, working the screen like a preplan. “We could call her Ember.”

“We absolutely cannot.”

The wind tests the porch screens, and out past the cliff edge a buoy light blinks its slow green count in the dark.

“Sparky. Flashover. Lieutenant.”

“You named the gray one after a rookie, and now you want a fire-themed kitten.” But Zara is laughing, low and easy, the laugh that took a full year to come up to the surface, and she reaches over and takes the phone and looks at the orange scrap for a quiet minute, and Dani watches her fall, frame by frame, the most methodical woman on the coast going down without a fight. “Saturday,” Zara says. “We'll go Saturday.”

They stay out past the sensible hour, talking the future back and forth between them with the ease of people who have stopped flinching at the word. In the spring, they'll haul the Marguerite and redo her brightwork, and Zara's mother is talking about a visit in June, a sentence neither of them would have bet a dollar on a year ago, the two calls a year having quietly become a call most Sundays. There's the volunteer application sitting in the kitchen drawer under the Christmas card, and there's the harbor co-op's offer to make Zara's odd jobs official, and there's a kitten two towns over who doesn't know yet what's coming for her. None of it is the life either of them planned. Both of them planned alone, in their different ways, for different prisons, and neither of them deserved this, and they sit under the blankets having decided to keep it anyway.

The wind comes up off the water and worries the porch light, and the lamp swings its small gold circle across the boards, and Zara opens the blankets and pulls Dani into her lap, both arms around her, chin hooked over her shoulder, and Dani leans back into her and pulls the wool up over them both. Probie pours himself along their thighs, claims the warmest seam between them, and commences a rusty, industrial purr.

Below the cliff, the sea keeps the only ledger either of them answers to now, and it writes nothing down. In Redwater, the towers stand lit and unburned, the paper does its slow work in the marble rooms, and a chief sleeps soundly next to a closed file. On a granite wall ,a girl's name faces the water for as long as stone lasts. And on a dark headland under one swinging lamp, two women who met in a burning building sit wrapped in the same blanket with a cat between them, holding everything they chose instead. In the small bright circle of the porch light, nothing anywhere is burning.