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I blink once, then again. But no, this isn’t some weird fever dream. Kirill really is showing me a picture of a gigantic pink and blue swirled rubber phallic object that looks like a cross between a horse cock and surface to air missile.

My brow scrunches. “What the fuck is a cum tube?”

“I mean…” he shrugs. “I feel that’s pretty self-explanatory?”

“Dude…”

He sighs. “It’s a tube that runs through the middle of dick-shaped sex toys. One end sits right at the tip, and the other comes out the back and attaches to a bag or pump full of fake cum.”

My mouth downturns. “For…”

“I dunno, people with breeding fetishes? What, you’ve never fucked a dildo but wished it could actually come in you?”

“Uhhh…no?” I smile dryly at him. “No, that has never been a problem for me.”

He rolls his eyes. “You're missing out. It’s a game changer.”

“I will take your word on that.” I peer at the phone in his hand again. “Wait…how big is that thing?”

“Twenty-four inches.”

“Two fucking feet?!” I choke before dissolving into giggles. “Who's this for? An elephant?!”

Kirill frowns. “No, for a person.”

My brow arches. “You?”

He snorts. “Please. I exclusively pitch. It’s…” He shrugs. “It’s a present.”

I laugh. “I’m sorry, you’re giving someone a two-foot-long horse dick?”

“First of all,” he sighs, “it’s a Dragon Stallion. Half-horse, half-dragon? And yes, little miss judgy, I am giving it to someone.”

I giggle. “How badly did they piss you off?”

He frowns in confusion.

“Wait, you’re giving this to someone as a legitimate present? Like, not to be a dick or embarrass them in front of their friends or anything? This is a person you like?”

He frowns. “I mean, I don’t know. Anyway…” He clears his throat. “You, uh, think they’ll appreciate it?”

I stare at him. “You’re curious if someone will appreciate being given a two-foot dildo?”

“Don't forget the cum tube.”

I make a face. “I mean… It's huge. But I guess babies come out of there, so⁠—”

“Oh, no…” He shakes his head. “This isn’t for someone with a pussy.”

My jaw drops. Kirill’s bi. But I thought his dating habits lately had been trending female.

“This is for an ass?!” I howl with laughter. “There is no way⁠—”

“Oh, you sweet summer child,” Kirill grins. “So, final verdict?”

“My final verdict is I don't think I'm your target audience.” My mouth twists as I glance back at the phone. “But…it’s pretty…I guess?”

“Awesome,” he nods. “Thanks.”