Page 95

My throat burns, chest aches with another crack in my heart. “And what will happen when you’re not here anymore?”

She cups my face, leaning in to press her forehead against mine. “I will always have enough faith for you. Even when you can’t see me anymore, I will see you. Even when you can’t feel me, I will still be able to hold you. The next place I go will allow me to be with you always. When you feel low, look up at the sky because I will be there. When you’re sad, look for a flower because I will send them to you. And when you’re happy, find a mirror because that smile is a copy and paste of mine.”

I hiccup. “Mommy…”

She sniffles too. “Yes, my girl, I’m always going to be with you, and when you need faith, all you have to do is ask. All you have to do is think of me because I’m always with you, forever and ever.”

I bury my head in her neck and sob. I cry for the loss that will come and all we’ve already experienced. I cry for myself and for my son. I cry for Austin and for the chances we might have missed out on.

I cry because there is nothing else for me to do.

Except a question on Family Feud pulls me out of my despair by asking, “Where is your girlfriend’s favorite place to be?”

“My face.”

Mom and I both burst out laughing, and once I can breathe again, I bat at my mother’s shoulder. “You’re an innocent churchgoing woman.”

“I was also married at one time,” she says with a shrug, and I pretend to throw up.

“I’m leaving now. Text me if you need anything.”

She waves me off, and I wipe my hands down my face once more to make sure there is no evidence left of the crying jag before meeting Noah in the living room to see Philadelphia is up by one run. But it’s as if the universe and camera people are conspiring against me because the screen cuts to a shot of the bullpen where Yadi’s warming up. Austin’s sitting off to the side.

He looks terrible. Bags under his eyes, hair disheveled, beard longer than I’ve ever seen it. One of the announcers claims Austin Ashwood is his own worst enemy, and even though I don’t disagree, I still want to throttle them through the television screen.

Because I still love him,

And for the first time in a long time, I close my eyes and pray.

CHAPTER 28

AUSTIN

Usually, I look forward to days off. This far into the season, my body craves it.

But now, I’d rather be somewhere else. Different city with different walls. Something to do that’s not a glaring standoff with a bird.

I’ve written and deleted so many messages to Millie, ranging from a single word to whole paragraphs, but nothing ever seems sufficient, so I’m once again laid out on my couch, paralyzed by a fear of rejection.

“Treat,” Harold clucks. “Millie, treat, please.”

“I told you she quit.” I’ve been having the doorman feed the bird when I’m gone, but Harold’s been bugging me all day.

“Millie! Treat, please!”

I clunk my beer bottle down on the table and sit up. “I already gave you a treat. Stop asking for her. She left. She quit.”

“Millie!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Millie!”

I grit my teeth and stand up, marching over to the cage, a threat on my tongue to release him into the wilds of Philadelphia, when there’s a knock on my door. But I didn’t get a call that anyone was coming, and I didn’t order a delivery. There should be no reason any person is knocking on my door, and I turn my wrath on whoever it is. Swinging open the door, I growl, “Go the fuck away.”

Camden Long and Nico Tremblay stand before me.

“Hello to you too, sunshine,” Tremblay says with a grin that immediately irritates me.