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“Listen, Bella. We know things are hard, impossible even. We aren’t here to minimize it or ask you to get over it,” Tori said.

A lump formed in my throat, the emotions threatening to surface. The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of them.

“But you have air in your lungs, and you have to start somewhere. Let this be the first step. You can take all the time you need, but let it start here, please,” she added.

Their unwavering commitment and support made me realize staying in the cocoon I’d created for myself was a losing battle. As much as I wanted to fight, to keep my composure, I couldn’t.

I sobbed uncontrollably, and my two best friends, who loved me more than life, stood in the gap.

They moved into high gear, and soon I was all clean and wrapped in a towel. Kinsley left, and when she came back in, she was holding a change of clothes. My eyes landed on the soft black T-shirt in her hands. I snatched it from her as another loud sob tore from my throat.

It was Pasha’s.

“Good call,” Tori murmured. “I wasn’t sure it was wise.”

“I brought several. He left them behind. It always helped me when Ivan and I were not speaking,” Kinsley offered, touching my arm.

I buried my face in the shirt. His scent lingered on it, fresh linen and his cologne. Tori was dressed once more, and she took over while Kinsley did the same.

Tori held out a pair of underwear, and I stepped into them. I then pulled the shirt over my head and signed. She grabbed a brush and combed my hair while Kinsley disappeared again.

Tori signed, “Thank you.”

I gave her a small nod. We stepped out of the bathroom, and Kinsley was humming as she changed the sheets on my bed. She must have asked my mum for them.

“Don’t look so shocked. I spent years changing sheets and making my own bed.”

Tori raised an eyebrow, and I shrugged.

“No one believes me, but I have skills. I hope you like hospital corners. Owen taught me. I’ll be able to bounce a quarter, okay, well maybe not, since I don’t have one on-hand. One more second thought and I’ll have you ready to be tucked nice and tight back in bed.”

I walked over and put my hand to her lips as she went to speak.

“No talking.”

I sounded scratchy and unusual in my ears. She nodded and then threw her arms around me. I laid my head against her shoulder and felt Tori approaching. Soothing hands rubbed my back, and my eyes burned. I fought for as long as I could.

“It’s not fair,” I choked out, and the river flowed. My heart shuttered with pain. “They were supposed to be safe…inside of me…It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I sobbed.

My body convulsed as the crying took over. It was useless to fight any more. My sisters absorbed the violent spasms I made. Tori continued rubbing my back, and Kinsley hummed as she rocked me in her arms.

“When I woke up they were already gone.”

The room blurred behind fresh tears.

“I never got to say goodbye. They just…” I shook my head. “One minute they were with me, and then I woke up, and everyone kept telling me how sorry they were.”

The words dissolved into sobs.

“It’s not fair.” I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes as though I could somehow stop the memories.

My body shook uncontrollably.

“How am I supposed to do this?” I whispered. “How do I wake up every morning knowing they’re gone? But I guess I deserve it, right? I was going to get rid of them at first. I’m a terrible person.”

The confession scraped its way out of me. Shame crashed over me so hard I curled further into Kinsley.

“Maybe Hannah was right.” I could barely force the words out. “Maybe this is what I deserve.”