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“Yeah about that.”
The anger came out of nowhere. Hot, immediate, and so completely unfair it border on criminal. I’d been the one to tell him to stay away. I’d refused every visit. Every message. At every turn, I’d practically shoved him out of my life with both hands.
So why? Why did it hurt so much to realize he’d finally listened?
It made no sense. I knew that. Every logical part of me knew that. But apparently, this level of grief wasn’t logical. Some childish, desperate part of my heart had wanted him to ignore me. To fight harder. To refuse to let me drown alone.
But because he’d loved me enough to respect my wishes, I’d convinced myself he’d stopped fighting for us. That his love wasn’t deep enough to cross the divide.
“I waited. Every single day I waited. I kept telling myself today would be the day you ignored my stupid words and come, anyway. Today would be the day you pushed through my mother. Pushed through the girls to see me.”
“Princess—”
“I fucking needed you,” I screamed.
He opened his mouth to speak, but I wasn’t done. I couldn’t stop the torrent of words pouring out of me. The rage and pain I’d kept bottled up for too long spilled over, ruining everything that could have been.
“No. You were leaving. You were actually going to leave. Without even making me look you in the eye and tell you goodbye. I grieved alone. Alone! And where were you? Making plans to start over and forget I ever existed…to forget our girls existed.”
“That’s not true. I could never forget you or them. You know this, please.”
“No.” I was shaking hard now, the force of my emotions making me tremble.
“I needed you, Lev. God, I needed you so badly. I needed you to help me through this, to be here for me like you promised. But you weren’t. And now…now I don’t know how to move on. I don’t want to. I want to stop feeling this gut-wrenching pain. It hurts to breathe.”
The dam broke, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I rushed forward, balling up my fist and wailed on him. They connected with his bare flesh, and the sobs tore through me. I let out all the pain I’d been holding inside.
“I fucking needed you,” I cried. “I need you still, and I hate that.”
He didn’t stop me or try to block my hands. He just stood there, letting every blow land as tears streamed freely down his face.
“I know. I hate myself for not doing more to keep you safe. I was trying to respect your boundaries. I made the wrong choice. I didn’t know forcing my way back to you was what you wanted or needed.”
My hands finally lost their strength.
“Everyone said…” A sob tore through him. “They just kept telling me to give you time. And I thought the best way to show you I loved you was listening.”
His forehead fell against mine. I closed my eyes. The simple touch unraveled something inside me. Standing with him, breathing the same air, sharing the same tears, he’d been in the wreckage of grief right alongside me.
“I was wrong. So fucking wrong. I couldn’t read your mind. I’m so sorry, princess.”
The fight drained out of me all at once. My knees gave way. Before I hit the floor, his arms wrapped around me. He held me tight. Damn, it felt so good to be in his arms.
My tears soaked into his shoulder as his own body shook against mine. Neither of us tried to stop crying. There wasn’t any point. There was too much to mourn. Too much we’d never get back.
“We lost them. I’m sorry. I couldn’t have done more to protect them.”
He pulled back just enough to cup my face. His thumbs brushed against my cheeks, the soft pads of his fingers cutting through the tracks of tears.
“No, never think you didn’t do enough. I love you with my entire being and could never be upset with you. There isn’t a world where I could ever blame you.”
A shaky breath escaped him.
“I miss them,” I whispered. “Every single day.”
“So do I.”
“And I miss you, Lev. So fucking much.”
