Page 57

She wiggled and wriggled. "Jax, let go."

As hard as it was, seeing as I wanted her a whole lot closer and wearing a whole lot less, I opened my hands and let go. "Why? Am I hurting you?"

"No, but—"

I traced the Cupid's Bow of her upper lip with a fingertip. “So, you don't want me to touch you, then?”

Her eyelids fluttered shut at my touch. "No!" she protested. "That's not it."

"Then what?" I let my hands come to rest on the ground at my sides. "I just want to understand, Tea. If you don't feel anything for me, just tell me; I'll understand. I'd rather know the truth now."

"I do," she breathed. "Feel…things, for you."

"But?"

She shook her head, not in denial but an inability to find the words. "I haven't…since Luke died, I haven't…" She hung her head and made a short, breathy, high-pitched keen in the back of her throat—frustration, anger, desperation, pain…a complicated jumble of emotions contained in one compressed whimper.

"You haven't been what, Tea?" I pressed. "You can tell me."

"Touched," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "Hugged. Held. Kissed." A long pause. “Wanted.”

"And before Luke?"

"I've never been easy to get to know." Another of those long, significant pauses that put a heavy load of emphasis on her next statement. "I've never been easy to like. Let alone…" she trailed off, unable to finish.

"I like you," I said. "I see you."

"What do you like?"

"Fishing for compliments?" I teased, tapping her on the nose.

She wrinkled her nose and playfully snapped her teeth at my finger, and then stopped, looking almost embarrassed that she'd just done that.

"Hey, nope,” I scolded. "None of that."

She frowned, baffled. “None of what?"

"That was cute and fun and playful, and I'm ala-fucking-bout it."

"It's really hard for me to admit to my insecurities, Jax," Tea said, her voice pitched low, eyes lowered. "I'm a confident woman, in most things. I'm strong. I'm fit. I'm smart. I'm a damn good officer and leader, and I'm one hell of a pilot. I'm good in a fight. I can plan and lead an op. But this?" She flapped a hand between my chest and hers. "This is fucking terrifying."

"Why?" I asked. "Why is it so scary?"

"Because I don't understand it!" she said, almost yelling. "My mother and father were…friends, companions, life-mates, but not…lovers. I never saw them hold hands or kiss. I've never even seen that kind of a relationship in my own personal life, much less experienced it. I don’t know how to do it—how to be that. I can fly an Apache at two hundred miles per hour, twenty feet above the fucking dirt, in pitch black, while tracers fly overhead, and not break a sweat. I can land a Huey on the pitching deck of a destroyer in ten-foot swells, and you wouldn’t even spill your fucking coffee. But letting you…being…" She shook her head, letting out a shrill huff of frustration. "I can't even talk about what I can’t do—what I can't be."

Slowly, telegraphing my intentions, I lifted my hands and rested them on her thighs. "I understand, Tea. I see the struggle. I think I also see that you want more than you know how to say, maybe." I ducked to get her eyes on mine. "Is that accurate?"

She nodded, hair waving. "Yes, that…that's accurate."

I slid my hands further up her thighs, until I felt her go tense. "You don't have to be or say or do anything. And if it's too much, that's fine. Tell me to back off."

Her eyes screwed shut. "I don't want you to back off, though, Jax. There's just…there's so much about you that I…that I like, that I respect, that I want. You're…I find you insanely attractive. I find your passion for technology attractive. I may not understand your whole…thing…with AI because it scares and worries the shit outta me, but I like that you have a position, a passion, and a goal. You have a good head on your shoulders and a sense of morality, so I'd trust you to do the right thing with it. You're funny. You're…cool. You're easy to talk to. You're damn good out here, and that's impressive."

It was my turn to squirm, then, because no one had ever said so many nice things about me all at once. I could feel myself blushing, and hated it, but couldn't stop it.

She saw and smirked at me. "You’re cute when you blush.” She blinked hard a few times, as if considering something, and then darted forward and kissed the heat of my blushing cheeks, one and then the other. "The way you defended me, Jax? No one's ever done anything like that for me."

"I'd do it again in a heartbeat," I said, throat thick and hot.