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With Calder?
Is it possible to love two men at the same time?
My head throbbed, and the not-knowing pressed so hard on my chest it became difficult to breathe. I was drowning in a future I couldn’t see and didn’t know how to fix. Eventually, I picked up my phone. I could think of only one person to talk to who wouldn’t make me feel worse.
It rang once. Twice.
“Hey, honey,” Mom answered, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
My eyes filled with tears. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh, honey.” She didn’t need more than two words to know I was a mess. Even from two-thousand miles away, she could tell I was on the verge of a breakdown. “What happened?”
I sank into the couch, which now doubled as my bed, and pressed my fingers to my temples. “Calder knows,” I whispered. “About everything.”
There was a pause. “Oh, sweetheart. Are you okay?”
She didn’t sound shocked. Didn’t sound judgmental. She was just worried about me. That was my mom, and at the moment, I didn’t feel deserving of someone so kind.
“It’s been two days. He’s never even raised his voice at me. I thought we would’ve had a fight—yelling, throwing things, kicking me out. Something. Anything. But he just goes to work, comes home late smelling like alcohol, and goes straight to bed. He can’t even look at me.”
“That must be terrible. Silence isn’t always peaceful. Sometimes it feels like punishment with no end in sight.”
“I’m walking on eggshells. At least if he were angry and would let it out, maybe we could move forward—whatever that looks like. But this feels like I’m stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking.”
Mom was quiet for a moment. “Do you love him, Talia? Calder, I mean.”
“I do.” I didn’t have to think about my answer. I knew it without a doubt. He was my first love—my first big love. But I wasn’t sure it was the right kind anymore. “I just don’t know if it’s enough, if that’s what you’re supposed to feel for your partner in life. I love so many things about him. He’s a good man. He’s gentle and kind. Thoughtful and responsible. Handsome and smart. But even with all those amazing qualities, I’m not sure he’s the right one.”
Saying it out loud made my stomach twist.
Because there it was. The ugly truth.
Yes, I’d cheated. Yes, I’d lied. Yes, I’d hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. But somewhere down deep, in a place I’d been too scared to look, I knew this wasn’t just about Rafe Rivers. Rafe hadn’t created the crack. He’d only slipped into one that was already there.
Mom exhaled. “Sometimes good men still aren’t our men, sweetheart. No matter how hard we want them to be.”
I closed my eyes. “I hate myself. For hurting him. For making him feel like he wasn’t enough.”
“All you can do now is own what you did and be honest with him and yourself. No matter how much it hurts you both.”
“I know.” I sighed.
“I believe you’re being true to yourself when you say you love him. And the best thing you can do for someone you love is to show them respect by giving them the truth. You’ve already broken the trust. That can’t be undone. But you can do your best not to keep breaking what’s left into smaller pieces.”
“I’m not sure how to even start.”
“One sentence at a time.”
A sad laugh slipped out. “That sounds so easy when you say it.”
“It definitely isn’t. But it’s a lot less complicated than you think, though probably more painful than you’re ready to take on.”
I stared across the room at the folded blanket on the chair. Calder had bought it for me at Pottery Barn after our second date because I was always cold. We used to spread it across both our laps and share it, but he always made sure it was tucked in under the far side of me, even though that left some of his thigh exposed.
I used to think love was in the big things. The grand gestures. The promises and commitments. But apparently love was giving more of the blanket than you took. And making my coffee just the way I liked it in the morning. Or leaving a quick note on the table when you ran out and signing it with an XO.
“I think he’s going to leave me, Mom,” I whispered.
