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He groans. “I was trying not to go there, Rosie.”
“Well, I went there instead. Okay.” I face my audience of one. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming out to the comedy club tonight. Some of you may know this place as the Comedy Cabin, but to be honest, I don’t like referring to the place I frequent as a cabin. You want to know why? Because cabins are where serial killers take their prey. And if there was ever anyone who was going to get stalked by a serial killer, it would be me because I’m far too trusting. A serial killer would come up to me and be like, ‘Hey, what’s your name?’ And I’d be like, ‘It’s Rosie. Why?’ And he’d be like, ‘Because I’m a serial killer, and I’m deciding whether or not I want to kidnap you.’ And I’d be like, ‘Well, here are the reasons why you should, and here are the reasons why you shouldn’t: I’m small yet mighty, I can kick ass, and I know how to use a knife.’ Yeah, folks. I don’t think that’s the best way to escape a serial killer, do you?”
I pause and look up at Brett. His lips are twitching, and I frown.
“Not good, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say it’s your best,” he says finally. “But it’s not the worst joke I’ve ever heard in my life.”
“Wow. Not the worst joke you’ve ever heard in your life.”
“I’ve heard some pretty shitty jokes.” He grins. “Let’s hear another one.”
“Okay,” I say, clearing my throat. “So, as some of you may or may not be able to tell, I’m a woman in my early twenties, and as such, I’m living my best Sex and the City life. Yes, folks, I have myself a friend with benefits.”
Brett raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything.
“And, yes, by friend with benefits, I mean a man I boink for fun and get no other benefits from. Well, aside from multiple orgasms a week, which, folks, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” I lick my lips. “You’re not laughing.”
“Now, I have two feelings about this,” Brett says. “One, I’m very happy to hear I give you multiple orgasms. But, two, I’m not sure leading with your sex life is the best joke out there.”
“Fine. Here’s another one. So, folks, do you know what it’s like to have a friend with benefits who’s six feet of gorgeous and likes to go down on you all the time?” I pause as Brett’s eyes widen. “Okay, maybe that’s not a good one.” I groan. “Oh my gosh, Brett, you’re killing me here.”
“What did I do?”
“I think because I’m spending so much time with you, you’ve crept into all my jokes. And I do not think I’m going to win anyone over with a set about you and being friends with benefits.”
“I mean, we do have a pretty good setup. And maybe I can give you some of those benefits to help you—”
“No,” I cut him off. “That’s the problem that led to this whack-ass comedy set in the first place.”
“Hey,” he says, coming over and massaging my shoulders. “I don’t think it’s whack-ass. It’s not funny yet, but I will say I’m delighted to be part of your comedy set. I don’t know if we want the world to know we’re friends with benefits, especially seeing as my grandfather is meant to believe we’re getting engaged in a week and a half. But if you think this is the set you want to go with, then go with it.”
“Ohhh,” I moan loudly and close my eyes. “Your hands feel so good right now.”
“You’re carrying a lot of stress in your shoulders,” he says. “Do you want me to give you a full massage?”
“Brett, I do not have time to have sex right now.”
“No,” he says, laughing. “While I’d love for the massage to lead to sex, I promise it’ll just be a massage.”
“Really?”
“You think I can’t touch your naked body without going down on you and making you come?”
“Every time I’ve been naked around you, you’ve gone down on me and made me come.”
“Well, that’s because I knew it was what you wanted. And right now, I know you want to concentrate on writing jokes.”
“So, you’re telling me you can massage me and have it go nowhere?”
“If you want me to massage you to relieve some stress and that’s it, then that will be it.” He gives me an innocent smile. “Promise.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t mind the massage.”
“Then a massage you shall have.” He grins. “Though you know I can’t touch your body and see it without being overcome with the need to thrust myself deep and hard inside you.”
My body trembles at his words.
