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“Does it scare you to feel something after so long?” I whispered from his chest, too scared to look at him in the eyes.

Every time the thought of his late wife crept in, it felt as if I was stepping on a dead woman’s toes. There was so much I didn’t know. But obviously, she was his one great love if he’d gone this long without being in another relationship.

“If I’m honest, yes. But not so scared that I’ll run away. I’m scared in the sense that I don’t know what to do or how to act. It’s been so long for me that I need to remember what it’s like to give my attention to someone. When you came along, it was the first time I had the urge to want to talk to someone every day, even if it was just to say hello. The first time that I wanted to kiss someone just to kiss them.”

I think we both harbored fear for different reasons. Reasons we still needed to learn about each other. And checking off yet another first for me was the fact that I actually wanted to open up to him. I wanted to tell him all about Logan, why I came here to visit, and in return, I wanted to learn all about his past with his wife. I just hoped he felt the same eagerness to open up to me.

“You know, you came along on this trip with me so we could get to know each other better. So, I may be ready to let you in a little bit more. What do you say?” I peeked up at him to find his solemn expression.

“I think that’s a good idea. It’s going to be hard, I’m not going to lie, Andi. There are things that no one outside of my best friend, old teammates, and family know. Things I’ve kept buried for years.”

“I really appreciate you even considering letting me into this small circle.”

“You’re special, Andi. I can’t quite explain it, but you walked into my life for a reason, and I’m trying really hard to take that as a sign to open up and not let you become the girl who got away.”

My heart pounded through my ears and the sudden urge to cry hit me. Tipping my head back, I stopped the water that begged to fall from his heartfelt words alone.

“What do you say we order some shitty bar food, then we can crawl into bed for this heart to heart?”

“I think that sounds like a great idea.” By the way his mouth curved, only to fall seconds later, I could tell that the weight of the conversation was already getting to him. It was up to me to show him that his feelings would be safe with me.

One minute, I had this cheesy grin on my face as I held on to the image of the most mind-blowing kiss I’d ever been a part of. Then my smile faltered only to remember we would be spending the night talking about Sarah.

Digging up old feelings from my past sounded like hell on earth. Those feelings and experiences I went through tore me apart, putting me in my most vulnerable state. I lived so many of my days in my early twenties not wanting to exist, so I vowed that outside of therapy I’d never relive them again.

But I meant what I said to Andi—I didn’t want to risk the chance not knowing what it would be like with her in my life because I feared what digging up these feelings would do.

It’d been long enough … right?

Even though Andi had a hard exterior, and she could bust my balls harder than any guy I used to play hockey with, I’d been lucky enough to catch glimpses of her being the complete opposite. Underneath all that armor was a woman who I knew my past would be safe with.

The hotel room smelled of greasy pizza and Andi’s lavender shampoo. Normally, I’d lie in bed with the TV on, but it didn’t surprise me when the old thing didn’t work. So, instead, it was just me and Andi in the dark hotel room, lying side by side in silence—me on my back and her with her arm tucked cutely underneath her head on the pillow next to me.

“I guess it’s time we had that heart to heart, huh?” I broke the silence.

“I can start if you want me to,” she offered.

As nice as that sounded, I’d worked myself up trying to figure out how I wanted to start this whole conversation, and now, I was just dying to get it the hell over with.

“Honestly, I want to make sure I can give you my full attention when it comes to you telling me about your past, and I can’t do that with mine lingering in the front of my mind.”

“I understand. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here.” Looking completely at ease, Andi reached her hand out and combed it through my damp hair before tucking it back under her cheek.

Taking a deep breath, I started from the beginning.

“It was game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. I was on the ice, dialed in and ready to win my first cup. Before my dad passed, he owned the team. So, every game, we had a suite where our friends and family were allowed to come and go from. Sarah was supposed to be among the people watching me that night, just like she had every night before. While I played, I didn’t spend my time focused on my family or anything besides what was going on in the game. Glancing up during the National Anthem was my last nod until I held that cup over my head. She wasn’t there. And even though I had a bad gut feeling, I told myself she was in the restroom since she’d never missed a home game before.”

Any guy on my team understood what it felt like to replay game seven in their heads over and over. It was one of the greatest memories and achievements you could only hope for when being a professional hockey player.

But in my head, I didn’t remember the weight of the cup in my hands, the gloves and helmets flying, the embrace of my best friends and their muffled tears of joy.

I remembered my dad coming on to the ice and pulling me away with a devastating look on his face. I remembered him telling me that she was gone. She never made it. She wasn’t there to celebrate with me.

When my dad told me she was gone, it was the look on his face that told me it was anything but temporary—it was forever.

Staring up to the popcorn ceiling, I created images in my head like you would if you were gazing at the clouds floating by. But the only pictures my mind could create were ones from that day.

Andi remained quiet, scooting closer to me. Knowing she was here comforted me, but it still didn’t hurt any less to have to rehash the past to the girl I was trying to impress.