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“If I know you as well as I think I do, then why did you have these tapes out? You haven’t bothered to watch yourself play since back in the day.” His body shifted toward mine, and when we made eye contact, I didn’t have it in me to hide the truth from him any longer.

“Let me just save myself the explanation and let the video do the talking for me.”

Literally—Sarah would explain it all.

Still in the VHS player and not with the others, I pressed play on the old remote, fast forwarded through game six, and stopped just before she started talking.

Carter leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands covering what I assumed was a look of shock.

Crossing my arms, I leaned back, having already heard this video a thousand times, and rehearsed it from start to finish silently.

After spending the last couple weeks going through the stages of grief, I was stuck in limbo between denial and anger. To be honest, I still felt the temporary shield trying to protect me from the harsh reality of it all.

But as I sat here now and watched Carter take it all in, it was a lot different than the last time I sat on this couch with someone while the tape played out. This time, it was in my control to play it. I knew it was coming. This time, it was far from the first time I had to wrap my head around the words coming from Sarah’s mouth.

The weird mix of denial and anger washed away and replacing it was a depressing wall of “what-ifs.”

It was almost impossible not to think “what if” before every thought that came to mind. Almost immediately after watching the video for the first time, I couldn’t get the dreadful thought of “What if I could have stopped her?” out of my head.

All these days later, I couldn’t be further from accepting this was my reality. I was stuck in a deep pit of sadness without any way to climb my way out.

“Hunter … What—What is this, man?” Carter’s voice was muffled behind his hands. And when he looked at me, his eyes were full of the same sadness I’d seen in Andi’s before I kicked her out.

I hated the pity. I’d lived through years of pity. Being alone and dealing with this by myself was far easier than having to hear how bad someone felt for me.

“What does it look like?” I murmured under my breath.

Carter shifted toward me, dropping his hands, and after a deep sigh, he said, “Look, you don’t need to be an asshole to me. I’m here for you. I know you’re probably sad, angry, and feeling a hell of a lot right now, but I’m fucking here for you, okay?”

Just as I started to roll my eyes and shake my head, Carter gripped my arm in a tight squeeze.

“I was there for you back in the day, and I’m not leaving now. You got that? So, roll your eyes, hit me if you need to, throw a temper tantrum, but by the end of this you better fucking talk. Let it all out. Scream at me if you need to. But do not bury your emotions and act like everything will get better on its own.”

Even though I didn’t want to admit it, Carter was right. And this proved exactly why he was my best friend. He was the one who brought me back from it all the last time when everyone else I knew gave up on me. And it wasn’t hard to see that he was dead set on doing the same this go-around.

My jaw began to loosen as I let the annoyance of him being here fade away. His firm grip around my arm relaxed, and my face started to fall. Clogged in my throat were all the words I wanted to say but didn’t know where to start.

When it came down to it all, I’d really just been a fucking mess.

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this video has just surfaced. How does it make you feel?”

“How does it make me feel? Are you my therapist now?”

“No. I’m your best fucking friend looking out for you. I’m asking you to tell me word for word how it makes you feel to see your dead wife on video seventeen years later saying goodbye to you.” He painted the harsh picture so clearly.

Standing up, I paced my living room floor.

“I’m fucking heartbroken, all right? Is that what you want to hear?” My voice raised an octave.

“Yes. Keep going.” Carter nodded. With crossed arms and legs, he leaned back on the leather couch, making himself comfortable while my emotions took a downward spiral.

“I hate that she was selfish. I hate that she didn’t tell me what was going on in that damn head of hers. I hate that she thought I’d be able to just move on with my life and continue playing hockey, when hockey was the one thing that stole me away from her.” My voice continued to rise as the anger ran through my veins. “All the road trips, practices, even my fucking head space—hockey was the culprit. I didn’t know it then, but the thing I loved most in this world besides her was the thing to fucking take her away from me.”

My fingers fed through my hair, pulling on the sandy blond strands. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried with everything in me to bring my racing heart back down to a normal pace.

“Maybe if I’d done something else with my life, I would have been around to see when things started to change with her.” I shook my head, the anger fading away, and the sadness creeping back up my spine.

It’d been like this since the video came to light. A damn rollercoaster.