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“This is what you do instead of sleeping?” Solas said from behind me, hauling himself over the railing of the crow’s nest.

“You should not be out here. There is a storm brewing,” I grumbled, picking up a full bottle of liquor and sliding down the railing to sit with my forearms resting against my knees.

“You look terrible.” Solas sat down across from me, tugging the liquor bottle out of my hand and taking a swig. His face screwed up as he swallowed.

I knew I looked like I was falling apart, because I was. Though, Solas looked just as damaged. Dark shadows clung beneath his hazel eyes. His auburn hair had been tied back in a careless knot, loose strands falling around his face as though he had spent half the night pulling at it. His stubble had grown rough along his jaw, making him look less like the fearless second-in-command I knew and more like a male coming apart at the seams.

Because of her.

Something dark and ugly shifted in my chest at the thought, but I pushed it down.

I had no right to resent him for caring about Lyra. He had shown her friendship when she needed it the most.

Besides, the constant wear of holding a protective barrier around the ship was probably the thing wearing on him most.

“That is strong,” he coughed, hitting his chest as if it would help the burning liquor go down.

“She’s bonded to him,” I stated darkly, staring down at the amber-coloured liquid sloshing in the bottle that he passed back to me.

“That is not possible.” Solas stared at me as if the world had shifted beneath his feet. His hand dragged through his auburn hair, fingers catching there as the colour slowly drained from his face. “How can that be possible?”

“I do not know how, but the Fire Fates confirmed it.”

I took another swig, welcoming the burn as it slid down my throat and blurred the dull ache pulsing behind my eyes. If only it could make me numb.

“They speak in riddles. The things they say can be interpreted a thousand different ways,” Solas said, snatching the bottle back from me and taking a deep drink. “Besides, a bond can be rejected. It means nothing.”

A dark, bitter laugh escaped me, and I tipped my head back against the wooden railing as the boat rocked over a wave.

“I have spoken to her,” I said, my voice barely carrying over the roar of the sea. “In my dreams.” My throat tightened. Trying to force the words out felt like ripping my own heart open. “She did not just accept his bond. She fucking married him.”

Solas went utterly still. The bottle lowered from his mouth, forgotten in his hand. For a moment, the warmth in his hazel eyes vanished, stripped away by something rawer. Emotion flickered across his face, so quickly and carefully buried I almost missed it.

“She would not have chosen that,” he said firmly. “There must be a reason.”

“Did she truly kiss him back?” I asked quietly, staring up at the inky sky filled with oppressing storm clouds. “In the training yards?”

Solas was quiet for a moment before releasing a heavy breath. “It doesn’t matter.”

I turned my head slowly toward him. “Solas,” I warned. “Answer the fucking question.”

His jaw tightened, hating the command ringing in my voice. Thunder rolled somewhere beyond the black horizon, and the ship tilted beneath us. The empty bottles next to us knocked together like bones filling the tense silence.

“Yes,” he said. “But she was dying⁠—”

The bottle shattered in my hand, a foreign sound tearing out of me. A raw, ugly sob. I clutched my head in both hands, fisting the strands of my hair.

I should have ripped my useless fucking heart out of my chest and given it to her when I had the chance. It would have hurt less than this. Chasing the woman I loved while she fell for someone else was a particular pain I never wanted to feel.

Solas sat next to me while the broken sounds tore from my chest, and the traitorous fucking tears fell from my eyes. He said nothing, pressing his shoulder against mine while I came apart.

Tears streaked down my face in warm, shameful streaks, dripping from my jaw. I dragged my palm over them, only to pause when I saw dark blue blood glistening against my fingers. Not tears.

Blood.

Shadows twisted up my limbs, crawling over my skin like living things and leaving a stinging burn in their wake as they coiled around my wrists, my throat, my chest. I sucked in a breath, but the darkness forced its way into my mouth. Solas lurched onto his knees and reached for me. His fingers barely grazed my shoulder before he recoiled, swearing viciously in the old language as he nursed his hand to his chest.

My body seized.