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“I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand,” Oliver said. “You haven’t looked at this situation with clear eyes, Sampson. You haven’t given enough thought to what Amanda might really want here. You haven’t so much as asked her. And isn’t that what she’s really upset about? Not being asked what she wants?”

“This conversation is not helping,” Sampson said. “You can’t understand my position, Oliver. You’ve never been responsible for the death of a friend. You don’t know what it’s like to live with that, and you never will, thankfully. You must take my word for it that what I’m doing is the right thing, and the only way for me to move forward. I have no other means of atoning for what happened.”

“And you’re determined to believe that what happened is something you must atone for,” Oliver sighed. “I can see that I have no hope of convincing you otherwise, Sampson. All I can say is that you owe both your wife and yourself better than what you are offering. She has told you that she wants honesty from you. It’s all she’s asking for, and you ought to give it to her.”

But Sampson knew better. His friend was simply wrong about this. He had a stain on his conscience that would never wash away, a darkness that he would never be able to rid himself of. The only thing he could do was push away his own desires—including the yearnings of his own heart, whatever they might be—and focus on what was best for Amanda. Even if she believed she wanted honesty from him, she couldn’t possibly know that given that she didn’t know what he would reveal.

George was gone, but she was still here.

He could never repay George for his sacrifice. So, from this moment on, his debt would be to Amanda. At least he would be able to atone, in some small way, for the loss of George.

Maybe Oliver did have a point. Maybe talking to Amanda was the right thing to do. She was clearly unhappy, after all, and that was the last thing Sampson wanted. Yes, he would make an effort to repair things with her. He would speak to her when he returned home, and he would offer an apology for having upset her.

But he could never allow his own desires to take hold. He couldn’t tell her how he was afraid he was beginning to feel about her.

That would destroy everything.

CHAPTER 29

“May I speak to you, Amanda?” Sampson asked. He was standing in the doorway of Rose’s bedroom, having clearly just returned home from wherever he’d been. He hadn’t even removed his coat yet.

Amanda’s heart pounded with nerves. The two of them hadn’t had a conversation since the Kensington Ball. The more time had gone by, the more sure she had been that they were building to a confrontation, and now, it seemed, it had arrived.

She thought about telling Sampson that she couldn’t speak right now, that she was busy helping Rose with her studies. But of course, Rose was liable to speak up and say that she didn’t need any help and that, of course, Amanda could go talk to Sampson, and that would only make matters worse. She got to her feet. “Rose,” she said, “go on with your reading, please, until I get back, and then I’ll ask you to tell me about what you read.”

Rose nodded without looking up from the book, but Amanda wasn’t fooled; she was sure that Rose’s ears were perked, hoping that Amanda and Sampson might carry on a whispered conversation right here in the room so that she could eavesdrop.

“In the hall,” she said to Sampson.

She didn’t wait to see whether he agreed or not—she walked out into the hall without looking at him. After a moment, he followed behind her and pulled the door shut, leaving the two of them free to talk privately.

“What is this about?” Amanda asked.

Sampson’s jaw worked. “I believe I owe you an apology,” he said, his voice tight.

That was not what she’d expected. Whenever she had allowed herself to ponder this inevitable conversation, she had imagined that he would begin by scolding her. He would tell her that he hadn’t appreciated her behavior on the ride home from the ball, and that given everything he had done for her, she had no right to be angry with him.

Instead, he was apologizing to her.

She frowned, struggling to trust it. “Why do you say that?” she wanted to know. “Why would you owe me an apology?”

“You know why,” he said. “My actions upset you. I misled you about the reasons for our marriage, and you didn’t like it. So I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry just because I didn’t like it? Not for any other reason?”

“Should there be another reason?”

She hesitated, not sure of whether or not she wanted to push the matter. On the one hand, he was clearly trying to make up with her, and maybe the thing to do was simply to accept it. But then, on the other hand, when was she going to get a chance for things to be this honest between the two of them again? Maybe it would be best to say all the things they wanted and needed to say while they were both standing here, before the distance between them had a chance to spring up again.

“If you had to do it all again,” she said slowly. “Would you do everything the same? Or differently?”

He paused. “I feel as if you want me to say differently, but I can’t honestly tell you that I would have chosen not to marry you. If I had the option, I would always choose this.” There was a discomfort in his eyes. She had the feeling he was still holding something back from her, and she nearly asked, but at the last moment, she restrained herself. She had uncovered too many truths from this man recently. She didn’t want to learn anything new. Not just yet.

“I don’t want you to lie,” she said. “But yes, I do want to think you might have done something different. What does an apology mean if at the same time as you offer it, you’re telling me that you’d do the same thing over again?”

“But what would you have me do differently? Do you wish…” A muscle in his jaw worked. “Are you saying that you wish we weren’t married?”

“No,” she said. “I don’t wish that.” She was surprised by how quickly she was able to answer the question. She’d have thought she would have to think about it, but the answer had actually been very easy. “I just wish that you had told me everything right from the start, so that I could have made a sound choice. So that I could have been sure I was doing what I wanted to do. That’s all it is.”