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Phillipa got up and began to pace around the room. Her stomach had butterflies suddenly, and her palms were sweaty.
Just a moment ago, she was able to speak so candidly and now all of a sudden, she was short on words.
To say that her emotional state was a whirlwind was an understatement.
“I think I am in love,” she said finally, her own voice coming out in a whisper.
Augusta got up, and rushed over to her. And then she wrapped her arms around her, and embraced her tightly.
“It is about time that you admitted it,” she smiled. “But why do you make it sound like it is such a bad thing? The depression, the sleepless nights…. You make it sound like… an illness.”
“It feels like one,” Phillipa frowned. “Don’t you think? I felt much more at ease with everything when I didn’t… well.. when I didn’t feel in love. Now, I feel as though I am attached to him. His mental state affects me, if he doesn’t see me for some time, I began to think bad thoughts. I am constantly waiting for him to come speak to me, thinking that we can just spend a little more time together… I dream about him, too. It’s…”
“All consuming?” Augusta smiled, as though she knew exactly what Phillipa was talking about.
“That.”
“Ah, once you’re over the initial shock of it, I think you’ll quite enjoy. There is nothing like love in the world.”
Phillipa began to pace again.
“Is there a way that I can reverse it?” she asked. Well, asking would be putting it lightly. She was practically begging. “I just wish to care about him, yes. But I never planned on falling in love with him. That feels dangerous, and it puts too much on the line. Can I reverse it?”
Augusta laughed, “I have never seen you like this. You’re not taking this well at all.”
“I’m glad that it amuses you, but it is not a pleasant state of being for me.”
“I think in time you will get used to it.”
“Get used to what, though?” Phillipa said, feeling vulnerable again. “It’s not as though he loves me back, which would make this whole thing scarier but better. It is a one sided love, and that will only lead me to get burned.”
“How are you so sure that it is one sided?” Augusta asked. “Did he make any indication of it?”
“It’s just not possible for us,” Phillipa sighed. “I know that… well, falling in love with me is the last thing that he would be interested in.”
Augusta was silent for a long moment.
“Do you think that this is another one of those moments where you are underselling yourself?”
“You cannot say that about everything that I do,” Phillipa sighed. “And I asked you for advice, tell me how to reverse it. I want to fall out of love with him, and only keep it at the level of care. I think that would be much easier to handle.”
“I don’t think it’s possible to do that,” Augusta smiled, “but you can try anyway. Though, I don’t see a reason to do that when it’s your husband. You keep forgetting that part, you know.”
Phillipa sighed, knowing that she had gotten herself into a mess.
Love was dangerous, and it was something that happened to other. Something that she could observe from a distance, and perhaps make a comment on.
It wasn’t supposed to happen to her, and not like this in the slightest.
I need to see him.
That was the only justification that Phillipa had for doing what she was about to, which was lay siege in the baby’s nursery.
She had decided to give Martha a reprieve and for the time being, take the lead on looking after the baby.
In her mind, if she stayed there long enough, it would only be a matter of time until she intercepted her husband there.
It was perfectly logical.