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Morticia doesn’t even argue.
Macy’s hand shoots up.
“And here we go again,” Morticia mutters.
“Quick follow-up to Georgie’s question,” Macy says. “If the vampire, werewolf, and ghost all show up at the same time, is that considered multitasking or just good time management? And does the ghost watch or participate? I’m asking because I have a candle for that scenario and I need to know if I should run a two-for-one special on it.”
The audience dissolves into laughter. Women are doubled over, someone is guffawing themselves to tears, and Mom looks like she’s considering faking her own death.
Vampyra is chuckling so hard she can barely speak. “That’s—that’s called advanced scheduling and you charge extra for it. And yes, the ghost watches. His entertainment options are limited these days.”
Morticia just stares at Macy. “What candle scent could possibly—you know what, I don’t want to know.”
“It’s called ‘Things That Go Bump in the Night,’” Macy says without missing a beat. “With notes of midnight jasmine, leather, and poor life choices. Or maybe I should call it ‘Three’s a Haunt’?”
My sister is unhinged.
The audience loses whatever composure they had left.
Macy makes Georgie look like an amateur, Mom thinks, equal parts mortified and impressed. And I’m a touch proud of that fact. But I’d never say it out loud.
Georgie leans over to Mom. “Your daughter is my hero!”
“You were her mentor,” Mom says it like the accusation it is.
Morticia flips through her notes like she’s looking for something, anything, to steer this crazy train back on track. “Let’s discuss the appeal of monster romance in popular culture. Vampyra, why do you think people are drawn to—”
Georgie’s hand is already in the stars. “I can answer that. Some women love a good monster because regular men are disappointing. A vampire might drain your blood, but at least he’s committed.”
More applause. A woman in the third row stands up and cheers. Ella is howling at the moon. This might cost me in therapy one day. For both of us.
Vampyra nods with a serious expression. “That’s actually very insightful. Monsters are honest about what they are. They don’t pretend to be nice guys and then ghost you after three dates.”
Half the women in the audience are nodding like Vampyra just read their diaries out loud. A random woman shouts, “PREACH!”
Morticia is trying again. “So you’re saying—”
“I’m saying if a man’s going to bite my neck, I want fangs involved,” Georgie announces. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”
Note to self, Mom thinks. Check Georgie’s basement for bodies. This is serial killer talk. Come to think of it, maybe she’s a bad influence on Bizzy too?
I frown just as Ella squeals and claps again, and I lean down to give her a toy to distract her because this conversation is going places I did not anticipate and I’m starting to wish I’d left her with my father and Gwyneth.
Morticia tries again. “Let’s talk about embracing your dark side in everyday life—”
“Does that include channeling your inner villain at the grocery store?” Georgie asks. “Because I’ve had some success—”
“GEORGIE,” Mom hisses.
“Red, I’m contributing to the discourse!”
Vampyra belts out a belly laugh. “Honestly, she is. Embracing your inner monster means owning your desires. If you want to flirt with the produce guy, flirt with the produce guy. Life’s short. Be the tantalizing succubus you feel deep down inside.”
The women in the audience are eating this up. “YES!” “AMEN!” “WHERE HAS THIS PANEL BEEN ALL MY LIFE? I’M A WICKED SUCCUBUS!”
Macy pulls out a small notebook. “I’m putting that on a candle. ‘Be the Villain of Your Own Story.’ That’s marketing gold. I knew your little haunted festival would serve me well.”
It didn’t serve Clawdia Noir well.
