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Monsters Weep Too, Little Bluebird

Page 65

by Donna Kessler

Derek spat at the ground, but he backed off, muttering under his breath. “Whatever. Fuck you guys.” He slammed the door behind him, disappearing into the building.

My whole body unclenched when he was gone. I glanced at Milo, who didn’t look at me, just stared at the spot where Derek had stood.

“Thanks,” I said, voice small.

He shrugged like it was nothing. “People like him don’t stop if you don’t scare them. My dad taught me that.”

I hugged my knees tighter. “My dad just taught me to keep quiet. Sometimes I wish I knew how to fight back.”

Milo was silent for a while. Then he said, “You did, though. You turned him in.”

I swallowed, throat tight. “Yeah. Look how that turned out.”

He glanced at me then, his gaze softer, almost sad. “You’re braver than you think, Starla.”

I shook my head. “I don’t feel brave. I feel…empty. Like something inside me broke, and now everything just leaks out. I can’t keep anything in. Not hope, not happiness, nothing.”

He nodded like he understood. Maybe he did. “It gets better. Or you just get used to it.”

I thought about that. I didn’t know which was worse.

A wind picked up, rattling the dead leaves against the steps. I shivered, rubbing my arms. Milo shrugged out of his hoodie and passed it to me. It was big, the sleeves too long, smelling faintly of old soap and something woodsy, almost comforting.

I looked at it, then at him. “You’ll get cold.”

He shook his head. “I don’t feel cold anymore.”

I put it on anyway. It hung off me, swallowing me whole. I felt safer, though I didn’t want to say that out loud.

We sat like that for a while, listening to the wind. I could feel Milo’s presence beside me, solid and steady. I realized I wasn’t scared, not with him here. Maybe that was weird. Maybe I should have been scared, but I wasn’t.

After a while, I asked, “Do you think we’ll ever get out of here?”

Milo’s jaw tightened. “Yeah. I’m leaving soon. Birthday’s in two months. They can’t keep me after that.”

I tried not to let the panic show on my face. “You’ll just leave?”

He shrugged. “That’s what happens. They move you on. You go somewhere else. You start over.”

My heart stuttered. “What about me?”

He picked at the step again, not meeting my eyes. “You’ll make it. You’re stronger than you think. And hey, maybe we’ll meet again one day.” He paused to think about that. “I know we’ll meet again. You and I, we’re the same kind of broken. A connection like that is destined in the stars.”

I wanted to say something, to beg him not to leave, but the words dried up in my throat. I hated feeling needy. I hated feeling like a little kid.

Instead, I changed the subject. “What do you want to do when you leave?”

He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know. Change my name, maybe. Be somebody else. Not be ‘that kid from the fire.’ Not be my father’s son.”

I stared at the gray sky. “I want to disappear sometimes. Just vanish. Maybe I’d come back as someone normal. Someone with a mom who’s alive. Someone who doesn’t see monsters everywhere.”

He glanced at me, his eyes deep and dark. “There are monsters everywhere. You just have to learn which ones are real, and which ones are just in your head.”

I thought about my nightmares, the way sometimes the monsters wore my father’s face, sometimes my own. “Which ones do you see?”

He hesitated, then said, “Both.”

We sat in silence again. I wanted to reach for his hand, but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure how he would react, and I was scared of wanting too much.