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“You might as well just get it out,” I said.

My brother was nothing like my sister. He was the calm, quiet one. Sylvie was the boss. The big sister. The one who felt she always had to clean up everyone else’s mess while never owning up to her own.

“I’m tired, Corrine. I just want to finish up and go home.”

“What did Sylvie tell you?”

He put his paperwork down and tore off his reading glasses. They were new. PJ was only thirty-seven. Just ten years older than me.

“That she’s worried about you. So am I. You’re losing the thread. And please don’t insult my intelligence by trying to deny it.”

“Okay. I won’t deny that things have been harder lately. But I’m handling it.”

“Are you? Have you looked in a mirror lately? You’re skinny. You’ve got bags under your eyes. You jump at the slightest thing. You’re having a hard time remembering things out there. Just tonight I’ve had to comp three of your tables’ drinks because you either got them mixed up or didn’t bring them out at all.”

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“She found you passed out drunk yesterday, Cor.”

“I changed my mind,” I said. “Keep it to yourself. I’m not interested in you getting things off your chest. Go back to ignoring me.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to judge you. I just don’t know what more help I can give you. I want good things for you.”

“Are you supposed to be good cop? Because Sylvie was her usual judgmental self.”

PJ squeezed the bridge of his nose. “She said she thinks you’re seeing him again.”

“You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Sure. Fine. Okay. Whatever you say. You know what Sylvie wants? She wants me to give you an eviction notice. I could, you know. You’re three months behind on your rent.”

“Do what you have to do.”

“I want to trust you,” he said. “But you’ve never been good at asking for help. I’ve always given it to you whenever you need it, haven’t I? Just… tell me. What do you need? What can I do?”

I had it in me to shout “nothing” to him. But something else came out. “Time,” I said. “I just need time. I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ve been letting things get out of hand again. Can you just… can I take a few days off? Just to get my head straight.”

“What happened?” my brother asked, his eyes filled with worry and doubt. “I know you went back to the cops. Did it help this time? I think it just ripped open all that bad stuff and you’ll end up right back in the same place you were. And if you’re letting him back into your life…”

“It’s not like that.”

“Fine,” he said. “Cor, I’m not your enemy.”

I got out of the chair and came around to his side of the desk. I hugged my brother. He hugged me back and didn’t let go. I stiffened. I couldn’t afford to get emotional. No matter what, neither PJ nor Sylvie would ever understand.

I pulled away. From the corner of my eye, I swore it looked like PJ was about to cry. He was so worried about me. I couldn’t carry that. I closed the door behind me and left through the back door into the alley.

It had started raining. Headlights reflected in the puddles on the pavement. I stood with my back against the brick wall. My heart raced.

They just did not understand. They couldn’t. They’d never had to survive what I had. That cold fear. The knowledge that someone else controlled your heart. Could decide whether you lived or died. Could make you disappear.

I pulled out my phone. What would I have done if either PJ or Sylvie had called my bluff and started going through it?

I unlocked the screen and pulled up the screenshot of our last exchange.

I miss you.

The five minutes it had taken him to respond seemed like the longest of my life.