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Was the room too noisy? He’d guide me somewhere quieter and sit with me until the event was over. If I couldn’t keep up with lessons, he’d take notes for me. If I wasn’t able to follow the conversation, he’d speak up and then break everything down for me once we got home.

He never put a spotlight on the things I struggled with. Never embarrassed me.

He made space for me.

I just never expected him to make space for me in a situation like what had happened between the three of us, too.

I still didn’t know how to explain what that did to me.

Neither of them rushed me. They kept giving me chances to change my mind. They made sure I knew stopping was okay. Watching was okay. Leaving was okay.

I never expected Cyn to agree to my joining them.

I’d never seen him nervous about anything. He was always the one to take charge, fix things, and make sure my anxiety didn’t slow us down. But he seemed almost as scared as I was, leaving Rae to take charge.

Having her take care of me felt right. I didn’t know I could have that same kind of care Cyn and Rae gave me outside the bedroom in a sexual situation, too. Not that we’d ever been in one before, but still. It left me wanting more of that.

Rae seemed to like guiding me.

She smiled at me as she spoke in that way she did when we were alone and talking about important things. If I hesitated, she waited. If I couldn’t answer right away, she didn’t rush me. Even when she told me what to do, she still asked my permission where it mattered. My inexperience didn’t put her off at all.

She’d called me a good boy again.

I inhaled through my nose and closed my eyes, resting my head against the tree.

The first time Rae called me a good boy, too much was going on for her to realize I’d reacted to it. But the second time? I didn’t get an opportunity to hide the way it affected me. I shuddered against her.

When we talked about it later, she assured me there wasn’t anything wrong with liking it when she called me a good boy or gave me any other praise. But I wasn’t so sure if others felt the same.

She’d said it again in front of the others while under the effects of the starmin candy, but no one said anything.

I’d noticed Cyn watching me with an intensity I’d never seen before. I knew he wouldn’t have laughed at me, but I wondered what he thought then. Not that I’d ever ask him.

When she said it this time, he looked at me differently.

What would I do if he called me the same thing? His good boy?

I shuddered and almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought.

Cyn didn’t praise others—well, not often. Sometimes me. But not like that. He wouldn’t call me a good boy.

I shook the silly thought from my head before I did something embarrassing, like getting an erection with Rae’s head in my lap.

I ran a hand over my face and frowned at the sweat shining on my fingers. It didn’t make sense to be sweating while feeling so cold.

Don’t think about it.

Focusing my attention on Rae and not the creeping dread that tugged at the back of my consciousness, I traced her hairline with my finger.

I hoped maybe one day I could return the favor and take care of her the way she did me. Even if she told me what to do, I wanted to do it. I wanted to be good for her. Wanted to be good for Cyn too, if he let me.

I scoffed through my nose.

I never dreamed he’d respond to me the way he did.

He’d kissed me.

I touched my lips.