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I’m just not sure I am.

I close my eyes, trying to let my mind drift away from my own self-deprecating thoughts.

CHAPTER 13 CALLI

I lie in my bed with Kai’s arms wrapped around me. He hasn’t spoken much since he came back from talking to Cade. I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to know, and this moment with him feels nice. Comfortable.

For so long, I have felt this weight heavy on my chest that I just can’t seem to shake. I felt broken, lost, confused, and so powerless—training with Genni should have validated that. But here with him, I feel like I’m capable of anything. Like I could conquer the world and as long as he is at my side, nothing could oppose me. I know I’ll get better with practice and despite Gen’s reaction to me, I don’t feel discouraged, not now. I could be delusional—but who cares.

I feel happy, for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I don’t want to taint it with doubt. I can’t go back to that, I don’t want to put anyone at risk again.

I could have killed Jack the day I showed him my magic. I won’t make that mistake again.

I want to learn more about what I am. But I’ve been so distracted, I haven’t even been doing any research on the journals that I found from Jonathan Halloway; maybe that’s the next best thing. There has to be a way to stop the bleeding when I use my power.

When I look up at Kai and smile, he leans down and kisses me on the forehead.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

“I am.” He smiles back, but looking into his golden-brown eyes, they look sad.

“Why don’t I believe you?” I raise a brow. “Did my brother threaten you?”

“Naturally, but I was just thinking about you, actually.”

“And that makes you sad?”

“It makes me wish I had you forever.”

I don’t know what to say to that. I forget sometimes, it’s not really something I want to think about. But it’s reality for us. A sadness washes over me.

“That’s right… You’re immortal, and I won’t live forever.” I feel my eyes begin to tear up. I try not to think about it, does that make me selfish?

“None of that,” he says, wiping my eyes. He seems softer, not the sharp edges and sarcastic attitude that I’ve become so accustomed to; it’s almost jarring. “There is no need for you to worry about me.”

“You want to look through the journals in the library with me? Maybe we can find some more information about what I am— Who knows, maybe I am immortal.” I nudge him playfully as I change the subject.

“No, you go. It’ll give me an opportunity to get back to reading that smutty little book of yours.”

He’s smiling, but I don’t quite believe it’s genuine. I kiss his hand and slide out of bed.

I’m heading downstairs when I’m stopped by Jack— I instinctively roll my eyes.

“I suppose I deserve that,” he says.

“I’m busy—”

“Wait.” He grabs my wrist.

The contact is firm. Too firm. A tingle shoots up my arm and settles low in my stomach before I can stop it. My breath catches. It shouldn’t feel like that.

“Can I talk to you? Just for a minute.” There’s something in his tone. Not playful. Not entirely.

I look down at his hand around my wrist before slowly meeting his eyes. They feel heavier on me than usual.

I pull my hand back. “Five minutes.”

He takes me outside onto the front porch and sits on the steps, patting the space beside him. “Come sit.”