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I regret it when I’m halfway through, but it’s too late. The tree leans heavily to one side, the red ribbons now faded to pink dragging on the ground. I stomp down hard on the trunk, right above the deep notch where I killed it, and the snap reverberates through the woods.

It’s almost dark by the time I get home but I haul the tree out to the woodpile anyway, drag out Dad’s chainsaw, and start tearing in. Mom comes out, coat wrapped tight around her body, a question on her face. I wave her away, sawdust flying around me as I take off the limbs, one by one, needles carpeting the ground at my feet. Dad gets home and I see Mom talking to him through the kitchen window, hands moving, as alarmed as the birds in the woods.

By the time Dad comes out the cutting is done. He helps me stack in silence, not commenting on the ornament hooks still clutching in some places, or the strands of wrecked ribbon mixed with the chips on the ground. We finish and he claps a hand on my shoulder.

“Well, that’s done,” he says. As if cutting down a tree and stacking green wood we won’t be able to burn for a year was on the list of things to do today. “Come inside and get some supper.”

I nod that I will and he goes without looking back, somehow knowing that the crazy thing I just did was healthier for me than all the normal shit I’ve been doing every day just to get by. My arms are like lead and my feet drag as I walk to the house. I’ll sleep well tonight, solidly. I’ll put today behind me, get through tonight.

And maybe tomorrow I won’t think of Alex the moment I open my eyes.

46. PEEKAY

“I’m calling it,” I say.

“What’s that?” Sara asks from the passenger seat.

“It’s time for Emergency Girlfriend Pact.”

She glances up from her phone. “For who?”

“Alex.”

She looks back down at her screen, thumbs flashing. “Hmmm.”

I stop at a light, and reach over to knock the phone out of her hands. “Seriously.”

Sara sighs. “Fine. But she’s your friend, not mine.”

“As long as you’re in. I may need backup.”

I drive to Alex’s house and we stand on the doorstep for a few minutes, listening to the knocker echo through the insides. Sara huddles against the cold, hands jammed in her pockets.

“Nobody home,” she proclaims.

“Just because nobody’s answering doesn’t mean nobody’s home in this house.” I take a chance, twist the knob, and shove my shoulder into the door. It pops open grudgingly and I tumble inside.

“Seriously?” Sara says, but there might be a note of admiration in her voice.

“Alex?” I call out, her name ringing back at me from the pristine walls.

“Claire?” She comes to the top of the stairs, a paperback in her hands. “Why are you here?”

“Girls’ night,” I declare, climbing toward her, Sara behind me. “Let’s go.”

“I . . .” Alex glances from me to Sara, unsure.

Sara looks down at Alex’s bare feet. “You’re going to need shoes,” she says. And this simple statement gets Alex moving, bundling into a coat and pulling on a hat as we go out the door.

“You’re shotgun,” Sara insists as she climbs into the back.

“What’s this all about?” Alex asks as I pull out of her driveway.

“We’re celebrating,” I tell her.

“Celebrating what? My kidnapping?”

“Peekay has enacted Emergency Girlfriend Pact,” Sara says.