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“I miss her,” I say, apparently an embolism not being the only spontaneous thing that can happen.

“When is the last time you saw Brooke?”

I can fudge this one a little, since I last spoke to Brooke the other night over messaging, but I haven’t technically seen her since . . .

“The night of the accident.”

“So she knows about it?”

“She saw it happen,” I tell her, gratified by the surprise on Amanda’s face as the professional mask she was attempting to mold slips a little.

“She was there?”

“No, I was Skyping with Brooke and Lilly,” I explain. Amanda nods and leaves space for me to go on, but I don’t know what to say.

I’ve thought about it while I stared at the reflective roof in the back of the squad, the cracked ceiling above my bed at Stillwell, and now the artfully decoupaged tiles of the cardiac center. I don’t know how I had my laptop tilted, if my friends would have only seen me run off screen and heard the crash, or if they actually saw me unravel right before their eyes, leaving behind a chunk of my hair on the remnants of the broken window.

“Did something happen during this chat?” Amanda asks.

“Lilly said something I didn’t like, and Brooke agreed,” I say stiffly.

“And what was that?”

“A word I won’t repeat.”

“Was it directed at you?”

“Yes.”

“And how did that make you feel?” Amanda pauses. “Is that really why you jumped out the window?”

“No,” I tell her. And it’s the truth. “Because I didn’t—”

“—jump out the window,” Amanda finishes for me. “Shanna did.”

I nod in agreement. “And trust me, Shanna doesn’t care what those two think.”

“What does Shanna care about?”

I glance at the clock just as the second hand ticks into place.

“Time’s up,” I say.

twenty-two

I. Things I Know

A. An LVAD looks like plumbing around my heart, plumbing that requires a power source.

1. I will have a power cord exiting my body near my belly button.

2. I will wear a controller and battery pack at all times, which looks like backpack straps, minus the backpack.

3. “I will continue to lead a full and rewarding life.” (This is a pull quote from the brochure.)

B. LVAD is close to Vlad and is fitting since it will in fact be impaling me.

II. Things I Don’t Know