Page 88 of This Darkness Mine

I reach out, grabbing Brandy’s wrist. “Leave it.”

“She can’t just say shit like—”

“I said leave it.” I grind her wrist in my hand and whip out my field-commander voice. She sits down slowly, pissed at me.

“Uh-oh,” Layla says, digging deep to offer me a weak smile. “I see Sasha’s thinking face.”

I drop Brandy’s arm. “Layla, get your bags packed. Leave me the Oxy.”

“What?” Layla says. “That’s not—”

“Do it.” I toss the words over my shoulder as I head for the kitchen. The staff is a mess, the nurses gathering in groups to share the news or hurrying off to get everything in place for Nadine’s exit. I spot the squad as I walk past the main doors, sirens off but lights flashing. The driver is leaning over the front desk, flirting with the receptionist.

The cafeteria is empty. I swipe a saltshaker from a table and slip behind the counter, turning on the hot water and opening cupboard doors until I find the cups. I screw the cap off the saltshaker and dump at least an inch into my cup, then fill it with hot water. It overflows onto my hand, hot and slick with salt. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and chug it.

The saltwater hits my stomach like lead, a trail of heat following it down as it burns into my gut. I’m still swallowing, chasing the hideous taste with the sludge that sits at the bottom of the cup. It’s more solid than liquid, a gelatinous mass that I have to make myself swallow.

But I do. Because I am Sasha Stone, who can force her bent and screaming hands to play for one more hour, who can choose not to breathe if she wants. This is mind over matter, and my mind is the strongest thing inside me.

The salt water is down, all bodily signals begging to let it retrace its steps immediately. But it’s not time yet, I lurch away from the counter, water rolling in my stomach, and head down the hall. They’ve got Nadine in a wheelchair, her go bag across her knees. She’s bright as a star, her face radiant and a smile so big it even includes me as she sees my approach. Nadine sees me coming with arms open wide, and opens her own, welcoming what she thinks is a celebration, her victory over a shared struggle.

She’s still smiling up at me as I clamp my hands on either side of her face and puke into her mouth.

thirty-four

I’m in big trouble.

Brandy is still in the common room, pretending to read while she’s actually eavesdropping on the front desk and texting me everything that’s going on. I’m on my bed, reading her messages as they come in. I don’t dare even crack my door. Karen pulled Angela from her duties and stuck her outside my room with strict instructions not to let me out under any circumstances.

From Brandy

Another accident on Wbound. Squad guy said not snowstorm but a shitstorm.

Cops here. K says charge you w/ assault

Can’t prove anything. I’m a sick girl. I puked.

. . . that’s what they’re saying too