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“Hey.” Her elbow nudged his. “What’s wrong?”

Anna’s face looked up at him in concern.

“Nothing.” At least nothing she could help with. His best friend, the closest person he had left to a family, had gone. And there wasn’t a damn thing that could be done about it.

She shoved a bottle of Budweiser into his hand. “Better?”

He pasted a smile on his face.

Her eyes scanned the room. “It’s the decorations, isn’t it?” She said quietly. “The lively chatter, the sense of anticipation. It kills me to know he won’t be part of this Christmas. Or any that come after.”

He didn’t have a reply, wouldn’t have been able to give one even if his mind knew the words, because his throat was locked tight. Instead he took a big swig of his beer and pointed to a quiet corner.

“Back at the climbing wall you said you handed in your notice to be here,” she said as they settled into the booth, her on one side, him on the other. A cozy drink between sort of, nearly, maybe, friends. “Will you be able to get it back after Christmas?”

Not sure how to reply, he peeled at the label on the bottle. Colin was the one he’d talked to about his career, such that it was. His friend had known of Luke’s ultimate aim, to run a center one day, and had helped him plot a path, even though, with his lack of qualifications, his inability to stay put for longer than a year or so, it was ultimately a long shot. Confiding in Anna about something so important to him felt uncomfortable, especially when it was highly likely his latest application would come to nothing. Like all the previous ones. “I’m exploring my options,” he evaded. Then brought up the subject that had preyed on his mind. “Have you decided what to do with Colin’s ashes yet?”

He didn’t like the idea of his friend being stuck in an urn, inside. If it had been down to him, he’d have let Colin free by now. Scattered him somewhere there were trees, and mountains. Lakes. Somewhere he could feel free.

But that was a decision for family and though Colin had been his family, Luke hadn’t been Colin’s.

“No.” Anna took a swig of her beer—Bud, like him. “I’ve only talked to Mom and Dad once since they left, and I didn’t want to bring it up. It felt too raw.”

“I was surprised they went back so soon.” It was another thing that niggled at him. Why had her parents abandoned her to cope with her grief alone, when they had each other?

“They did mention they had an open return flight so they could move into Colin’s room if I wanted until New Year.” Her parents had only managed to get back in time to spend the last week with Colin before he’d died. Luke had offered to give up his room in the condo for them, but they’d booked themselves into a hotel, stating it was less upheaval for Colin that way.

“Please tell me you didn’t say no because of me.” He felt a knot tighten in his gut. “I would have moved out, given you all space to grieve as a family.”

“Not everything is about you.” Her teasing smile took the edge off her words. “Honestly, I knew staying wasn’t what they wanted to do, so I told them to go back. It felt selfish to ask them to cool their heels here just for me.”

“You couldn’t be selfish if you tried,” he muttered.

Selfish was getting on a plane and leaving their grief-stricken daughter behind to cope with the loss of her brother alone.

He knew all about being selfish.

The memory of his own selfishness pierced his consciousness and acid inched up his throat. “Where are they off to next in their travels?” He asked hoarsely. And let her voice, and the beer, drown out his guilt. Until the next time it resurfaced.

December 6th

Anna’s stomach filled with dread as she read the words beneath the window of day six on the advent calendar.

Clean out my room. Together.

It was something she’d so far avoided. Leaving Colin’s bedroom as it had been, his things, his clutter, helped kid herself he was still here.

She didn’t know if she could bear to go into his room and not see traces of him.

“What does it say?”

Luke appeared in the doorway, freshly showered and changed from his run, his hair still damp, his body giving off so many pheromones it was hard to look away. It was like the chemicals were talking to her. Here is a fit male, he smells like a man should, citrus and sandalwood with a hint of musk. Bet he looks good without his shirt on.

A memory from yesterday flashed through her mind. The strength in his body as he’d darted up that wall like it was nothing.

When he’d asked what he would have to do to impress her, she’d nearly embarrassed herself and told him he’d need to climb without his shirt on.

“The advent, Anna.” His rumble of a voice jolted her from her thoughts.