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“Oh Luke, I’m so sorry.” Those arms banded tighter. As if she knew he couldn’t face her, not when he was like this, broken, sobbing, she remained hugging him from behind.

“She was so selfless.” He wiped the wet from his face with his coat sleeve. “And I was so selfish.”

“No.” Finally she shifted to crouch down beside him. Still, he didn’t look at her, couldn’t, not while he felt so exposed. So ashamed. “You were a seventeen-year-old kid who’d spent years being there for her, turning down opportunities other kids, like my brother, would have taken for granted. And don’t tell me that’s not how it was, because I know you, Luke Harris. My brother would not have loved a man who was selfish.”

“He didn’t know,” he bit back, shame licking at his insides, making his tone angry. “I told him she died unexpectedly while I was away. I didn’t tell him I knew she was weak.”

Her hand curled around his. “Did you know she only had days to live?”

“Not exactly.” He wiped his free hand down his face. “I don’t know if she knew, but all she ever told me was that she was terminal, and would go when God was ready to take her.”

“Then why are you beating yourself up? I suspect she’d been weak before and rallied, it happens in cancer patients towards the end. How were you supposed to know she wouldn’t do that again?” She squeezed his hand. “She told you to go, Luke, that was her decision and you did the right thing by abiding by it. Maybe she didn’t want you to see her die. Maybe it gave her peace to pass away knowing you were finally doing something for you, something you’d been so excited for.” She moved to crouch in front of him, forcing him to finally look at her. “Do you think your mom would be happy to see you still riddled with guilt, all these years later? Do you think Colin would thank us for beating ourselves up because we didn’t notice he was ill, earlier?” She pressed a hand gently to his cheek and though he’d already taken too much from her, he needed the connection, so he leaned into it. “They loved us, Luke. The way we honor them is by living our lives to the full.”

He was swamped by emotions, tangled in a mess of feelings; anger, bitterness, grief. Shame. Yet despite it all, he felt a little lighter for coming here. A little less tormented for admitting out loud the guilt he’d buried for so long.

And he’d only been able to do it, because she’d been by his side.

“Thank you,” he whispered when they finally walked back to the truck.

In answer she threaded her arm through his and gave him a gentle smile so full of understanding, of tenderness, his heart tumbled in his chest.

It was only later, after they’d eaten a quiet take-out in front of the TV, and just before he fell into an exhausted sleep, that he realized that was the moment he could admit he’d fallen in love.

December 23rd

Anna drew up short when she spotted the envelope on the kitchen table. She was used to Luke leaving her notes, but an envelope?

“What have we got here?” She asked Jack, who’d followed her into the kitchen. He cocked his head to one side. “You wondered the same thing, huh?”

Curious, she picked it up and stared at her name, written in bold, untidy writing. Was it a note telling her he’d had enough? That after yesterday, he’d decided to leave early?

Her heart lurched and she gripped at the chair. It had been painful to see him break down, so racked with guilt about her brother and his mom. Even more painful to realize she’d added to his anguish by making him feel he’d hastened Colin’s death, when he’d been exactly what her brother had needed; strong, stubborn, determined, loyal.

Hands shaking, she tore at the envelope. Two tickets fell out and landed on the table.

What on earth?

The North Pole Express?

“You found them, then.”

She jumped at the sound of his voice. “Give a girl a bit of warning,” she grumbled.

He smirked. “Morning, Anna.” His gaze fell to the tickets. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want.”

“Is it . . . is it what I think it is?”

He gave her a mild look. “It’s not a trip to the Arctic, if that’s what you mean.”

She rolled her eyes, glad to see him in a good mood. Lighter, she thought, his eyes brighter. “Is it the open top bus ride round New York?”

He nodded, his expression turning serious. “I don’t know what the advent says today, but I . . .” He rubbed a hand across the stubble on his chin. “I wanted to make up for you missing out on . . . what did you call it? Something Christmassy, yesterday. And I wanted to say thank you.”

Pleasure rolled through her, warming her from within. “You’ve been so strong for me since Colin died. I’m glad I could finally return the favor.” Picking up the tickets, she smiled. “I’m not going to say no to a trip on an open top bus though, especially when, if I remember right, we get to meet Santa’s elves, and Santa himself at the end.” Excitement bubbled and she pressed her hands together. “One of the girls at work did this last year and I’m sure she said there was hot chocolate. And carol singing.”

He winced. “It was sold as a tour of the Christmas lights.”

She clutched the tickets to her chest. “You can’t take them back now, so whatever Colin has planned for today, let’s get on with it. We don’t want to miss the bus. Here.” She passed the advent over to Luke. “About time you opened a window.”