Page 114

“No, no,” Perl says, voice strange. “His body is not hurt.” He turns away, saying something to his companion.

Before Perl can take him from the hall, Xan says, “And I need to leave a message with the guards on the gates.”

Xan is led through the strangest fortress he has ever seen. From the outside he saw the plants growing to cover the walls, so densely it seemed like Urynwud itself was a growing living thing, but he did not expect the inside of the building to be equally strange. The halls are full of vines, leaves tangling up the walls, green and gold, red and grey. It’s beautiful. Despite the bitter weather, the fortress is warm inside, well heated with great fires and braziers. The air smells rich with smoke scented by fragrant woods.

He is led to a wooden door, carved with patterns of vines and fruits.

When Xan knocks, a fragile familiar voice bids him enter. Xan’s heart beats harder, a thumping in his chest. His breath catches as he opens the door and steps through it, Perl turning away and taking his leave.

Jemel is sitting at a small desk by a window that looks out onto the forest. The room is twined with vegetation like every other Xan has seen in the fortress. Along with the writing desk, the wood-panelled chamber contains a bed, finely dressed, there are two carved chairs and a low table set on a fur rug before the fire.

Jemel stares at Xan as if he has been startled. He stands up in a quick jerky movement. “Xan.”

Xan does not think. For a moment he is so overwhelmed at the sight of this small priest he crosses the room to him, rounds the desk and folds Jemel into his arms.

Jemel does not stop him and it is only when he is holding Jemel that he remembers that he ought to be careful to repress his desire to touch him.

He pulls back suddenly, “Sorry. Priest.” He nods down at himself, as if apologising for his own body.

Jemel looks up at him. His face is tear streaked. They are still touching, Xan’s hand on Jemel’s arm, Jemel’s on Xan’s chest. Jemel says, “Is the battle won?”

“It is won, but Atticul slipped away.” Jemel sighs and slides into Artemian, speaking too fast for Xan, saying, “I not there. I weak… Doroth… Kill me. Love Ur-Durik. No Zai. Ur-Durik… Demon. Love demon.” But Xan understands enough. Someone hurt his priest.

“Who hurt you? Where is he?” he says and it comes out as a growl.

“Lukas killed him,” Jemel says, sniffing. Calming enough to remember to speak Plumian. “Right in front of me.” Jemel swallows. Xan lets his hand move on Jemel’s arm. A small comfort but the touch feels so intimate. “I saw him fall dead,” Jemel says, breathing roughly, as if controlling tears.

Xan realises he is barely breathing.

Jemel’s voice is very quiet. “He thought he could do the same with me. He thought, because I was like him, raised with Zai, devoted, he could also convince me to help him. But I refused. I refused him.” Jemel sniffs. “I refused him because of you. Because I had broken my vow.”

Xan lifts his other hand to Jemel’s face and strokes away a strand of silver hair, damp from tears. “But you are safe. He is dead. You refused him.” He pauses. “What did you refuse?”

“It was hard to refuse. What he offered me was so easy. I could accept that the story of Ur-Durik was real, that Ur-Durik being Zai was real and I could still worship him as my God. But that was because of what he had done to me. Zai worked through him to destroy me. He charged me to keep my rituals, making me think I could be both somehow. It was twisting me inside. And then he offered me a way out that was so tempting. Xan, he

I do not think it was your betrayal of me to Atticul that broke me, it was the fact you broke my vows to Zai. You broke his hold on me. You saved me. And I hated you for it.” Jemel looks at Xan, urgent and desperate. “Can you forgive me?”

“Jemel, there is nothing to⁠—”

But Jemel speaks over him. “Xan, if I hadn’t given myself to you, Doroth would have killed me. I would have let him, for Zai. Doroth planned to kill me and have me agree to it willingly, to erase the sin that created me. And I think it all got tangled up inside me. The sin I committed with you, the sin that created me. I could not even look at you.”

Slowly and carefully, Xan says, “I wish that I had not lain with you when you were not in control of yourself. If I was only to know you once I wish it had not been that way.”

“I wish that too,” Jemel says in a whisper.

“I should have stopped you.”

“You tried to stop me. It was all me. I insisted.” His face changes then. He goes tense in Xan’s arms and he is the furious little thing Xan fell in love with. “Xan, please. Please forgive me.”

Xan lets his lips quirk into a soft smile. “I’ll forgive you on one condition.”

“What?”

“That you let me call you Baraboo.”

Jemel’s cheeks go quite pink. “Xan, that word is⁠—”

Xan moves his hand across Jemel’s face to cover his lips. “You like it, Baraboo.”