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“That isn’t what I’m asking.”
“I know.” She brings my palm against her chest, pressing it over the furious beat of her heart. “I can promise fear won’t make every decision for me anymore.”
My hand curls into her tank. “You promised before.”
“I did.”
“And I believed you. It got us here.” I pull my hand away. “I betrayed myself for you time and time again, and all it did was break me.”
Her chin trembles.
“Our entire relationship was about you,” I say. “I reassured you every time you doubted me. I told you what I felt, what I wanted, and where I stood until there wasn’t a single piece of me you had to guess about. I spent so much time proving I wouldn’t leave after warning you I would that neither of us noticed what it cost me to stay each time.”
“I know!”
Charm rips her hand from beneath mine and shoves me hard enough to create space between us. Tears cover her face, but rage keeps her voice from collapsing.
“I know exactly how much of our relationship you carried, Ryan. I know how many times you reassured me, how often you asked what I needed, and how fucking hard you worked to show me that loving you was safe. I cannot explain it away. I cannot say anything that makes what I did less disgusting.”
“Then stop trying.”
“I am not trying to explain it away!” Her shout strikes the stone walls. “Do you want it in English? I’m sorry. Do you want it in Spanish? Lo siento. I can say it in every language I learn for the rest of my life, and none of them will ever be enough. I know that.”
“Then what the fuck are we doing?”
“I am trying to tell you that you aren’t the only person standing in this room with a right to be furious!”
My anger turns cold. “Careful.”
“No.” She wipes both hands across her cheeks, smearing what remains of her makeup. “I have been careful with every word since you walked into this castle. I have swallowed every callous thing you said because I knew I caused that pain. I let you tell me what I ruined and how little my regret changes because I know you are right. I did this to us.”
“Then why are you fighting me for answers you think you already know?”
“Because you keep talking about what happened after you left like I watched you walk away, continued with my life, and didn’t miss you.”
“You deserved to miss me.”
“I know!”
The force of her answer stops me.
“I deserved every empty place you left,” she says. “I deserved to wake up without you. I deserved to lose your key, your calls, your books, and every future I was too afraid to claim when it belonged to me. I deserved to understand that you warned me and did exactly what you said you would do.”
“Then what are you arguing about?”
“You are acting like I didn’t fucking bleed!”
“I knew you were bleeding.”
“No, you knew what our friends told you.”
“That was more than I wanted.”
“Do you think I wanted them giving you updates while you refused to speak to me?”
“You used them to try to reach me.”
“Because you left me no other choice!”
