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I stared at the message and read it twice. Sorry for what? Making me feel like this? Almost kissing me? Or was he finally apologizing for something that happened fifteen years ago? Before I could decide whether I should respond, another message came through.

Em: Hey baby. I know it’s late over there. Hope everything went good today. I’m proud of you. I love you.

Emery didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve me thinking about another man while he loved me the way he always has. And Juvie didn’t deserve to walk back into my life and have me question everything I’d spent years building. I opened Emery’s message.

Me: Everything went great, baby. I’m exhausted. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you too.

Then, I went back to Juvie’s message. I typed a response, then deleted it. Typed another, then locked my damn phone. I set it face down on the nightstand. Because I didn’t know what to say. And I wasn’t sure if I could handle him saying anything back.

May 18th, 2015

I couldn’t open my eyes. My head felt like somebody split my shit open. The carpet scratched against my back, so I knew I was on the floor; I just couldn’t remember if I’d made it home. My throat was dry as fuck, and I was sweatin’ my ass off. I cracked one eye open and wanted to shut it the second the sunlight hit me.

“Fuck,” I mumbled, wipin’ sweat from my forehead.

I pushed myself up and leaned against my bed, tryna stop the room from spinnin’. Last night came to me in pieces. The race, Yusef’s bitch ass, the party. That Henny and percs mix fucked me up. My fist hurt from knockin’ that nigga out before I left the party. My heart started beatin’ hard as hell when I finally remembered talkin’ to Mommy.

The last thing I remembered was her tellin’ me she loved me, and that she would call me in the mornin’. But I said too much. I told her about the camps, how they wouldn’t let me come home, and I gave her Yusef’s name. Mommy ain’t know the real reason I went to that camp. She ain’t know why I stopped playin’ football. She ain’t know about the night that changed everything. She just knew I called her, cryin’ like a bitch about wantin’ to come home.

I grabbed my phone, hands shakin’ ’cause I had to come up with somethin’ to tell her. Havin’ her in the middle of this shit was dangerous. I’d seen shit. I knew how Yusef moved. And if he wanted to hurt a mufucka, he wouldn’t do it to them; he’d hurt whatever I loved most.

Mommy’s phone rang twice before she answered. “Mornin’, baby. How you feel?”

“I’m okay. Just hungover… Last night, I was trippin’ off them percs, Ma.”

She got quiet, and I knew then, no matter what I said, I wasn’t gon’ be able to get her off this shit.

“JuMarion… Listen to me. You called me at three in the mornin’, cryin’. You told me somebody wouldn’t let you come home. You said Yusef was the one who did it.”

“Ma, it wasn’t like that. I was high and drunk⁠—”

“No!” she snapped, shuttin’ me the fuck up. “I birthed you, so I know you better than you know your damn self. Ain’t no smoothin’ this shit over with me. If it’s nothin’, the police gon’ do their job. But you are MY son, and ain’t nobody gon’ hurt you if I still got breath in my body. You hear me?”

“Police? Ma, what the fuck you mean, police?”

“Exactly what I said,” she replied, too calm. “I called that school, and I called the police. Ima get some answers. I can hear it in your voice, Juvie. Somethin’ is wrong. I’m your muva… You don’t get to tell me what I heard. I ain’t heard you cry since you were thirteen, and you cried to me.”

Even if I told her the truth, she wasn’t gon’ let this shit go. Any lie I came up wit’, she’d see right through it. My fuckin’ stomach was in knots.

“Ma… I’m sober now. I wasn’t in my right mind last night. Who you talk to at the school? What did you tell the cops?”

“If all this was just you drunk callin’ me, tell me who Yusef is to you. What does he do? If I’m wrong, tell me why. ’Cause right now, it’s lookin’ like I need to be on a fuckin’ plane.”

It was nothin’ I could do to convince her. Mommy ain’t fuck wit’ planes, so her sayin’ she would hop on a flight was all I needed to hear. I closed my eyes and threw my head back against the bed.

“JuMarion, I love you. Whatever you scared to tell me, it don’t even matter no more. Ima find out what’s goin’ on. When I call this phone, you better answer, or I’m sending the police to you.”

I hated that I even called her. All I had to do was come home and sleep that liquor off. But I put Mommy in the middle of this shit.

“I love you, Ma.”

The call disconnected. I let my head fall back against the mattress, starin’ at the ceiling. I was fucked. Being here protected her. Being under these niggas kept them from touchin’ my family, and I fucked it up. Now, I couldn’t protect her. Yusef was gon’ call. And when he did, I ain’t know what the fuck I could say to smooth this shit over.

My phone started ringin’ before I could even get off the floor. Lookin’ at the phone wouldn’t change who was callin’.

“Fuck,” I whispered, starin’ at his name.

I sat up and answered. “What’s up?”