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He sat with that for a moment.
It fit. Less like a gap and more akin to something he couldn’t break through.
“Okay, yeah. It’s like I’m on one side and the good stuff is on the other. There’s this whole barrier to feeling good, especially around being touched.” He blushed a little. They didn’t talk a lot about his intimacy issues, but he knew he needed to.
“You’re grieving,” she said. “You’re in pain and you’re shutting down so you don’t feel more of it.”
Adam blinked at her. “Grieving for who?”
He hadn’t told her about White, only that he’d been hurt. Yes, it had been self-defense, and he’d eventually face the elven court’s justice, but he didn’t want the mortal authorities coming for him, too, not that they’d ever find a body. The Guardians had probably tossed it into a volcano.
He certainly wasn’t grieving for that asshole. He knew he wasn’t, because the truth was he’d do it again.
Grieving for the Wolf didn’t make sense either. He wasn’t real. He wouldn’t be. Adam wouldn’t let him be. He’d sever Ian’s magic first.
“Grief doesn’t just mean that someone died. It can also mean that you’ve suffered a loss, and you have.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You’ve had a loss of innocence. Your scars aren’t just physical, they’re psychological.”
“How do I get past it? How do I move on?”
“I want you to think of something good, a happy moment or memory. It can be something between you and Vic or just something that makes you smile.”
“What if I can’t think of anything?”
“I find that hard to believe, but if not, go to the cat café on Tennyson. Lie down and cover yourself in kittens. No one can be miserable covered in kittens.”
“Unless they’re allergic.”
“Unless they’re allergic,” she conceded. “Which you are not. When you find your moment, hold it close. Make it last as long as you can. Then do it every day, and as you do, see how long you can stay in that space.”
“Is that it?”
“For now, but I think you’ll find it’s harder than it sounds, and it will take practice. We’ll see how you’re doing in two weeks.”
“Okay,” he agreed.
13
They waited for dark.
Adam had texted Dautre, explaining what they needed.
“Do you think he’ll come?” Vic asked.
“I don’t know. He’s got to be careful. Associating with me could cost him.”
They sat dressed and ready on the couch.
A while passed before a knock sounded at the apartment door.
It figured that Dautre wouldn’t need to be buzzed in from the lobby, but Adam still checked through the peephole before opening up.
The elf stood in the hall, his newsboy look a little incongruous with his wizened expression. Adam stepped back and waved for Dautre to enter.
“Thanks for coming.”
