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But it's too late for that.

Because I never told him before.

Never said out loud that I didn't think I could leave. That I wasn't sure how to separate from my family and still exist in a world I know nothing about. A world that revolves around him and his dream.

I've told myself it's because there's nothing for me there but him. That I don't want Washington. I don't need CMU. That I shouldn't disappoint my family—break the Mage Hollow way and leave the only place I've ever known.

But I'm not even sure any of that's true.

I just always feel… stuck. Like I'm drowning in a sea I used to float in beside him and the rest of my people. Everyone else is moving forward with the life laid out for them—the one that makes sense—while I'm flailing, trying to find something solid to hold onto.

And if I already feel this lost here, how am I supposed to find myself somewhere that only exists because of him?

How would burdening Jace while he fearlessly chases his dream make any of this better?

It wouldn't.

"Why?"

He grinds out the single word, and the way I can picture his face when he says it—creased brow, tight jaw, eyes dark and devastating—breaks me even more. Because how do you tell someone they're everything but… still somehow not enough?

And you're not even sure why.

My mouth opens, but nothing comes out.

Because I'm scared.

Because I don't know who I am anywhere except here.

Because if I follow you, I might disappear completely.

None of it's enough.

So, instead, I boil everything down to three useless words—

"I just can't."

One short breath flies through the receiver—any energy Jace seemed to have leaving with it. "What are you saying then, Lenny?"

The tears flow again—harder, faster.

But I let them come. Welcome them even. Because it's all I have left to do now but miss him.

And the fact that they still come silently is just salt in the wound.

The line goes quiet for a long time—too long. And when Jace does finally speak, his voice sounds different somehow.

Smaller.

"Okay."

My breath hitches.

Because even though I don't deserve it, there's no fight in him. No room for anything real between those four tiny letters.

"Jace, I—"

"No," he interrupts. "I heard you."