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Leo, predictably, was outraged. “He could’ve started another epidemic and killed everyone! What if they’d spread it to the Post? What if—”

“I don’t think he cared about that,” I answered gently. “They’re Wastelanders, Leo. You know how the compounds feel about them. They don’t see them as fully human. He saw your friends as obstacles in his path. He didn’t want your fellow soldiers deserting the way you did, and the way to do that was to punish you all.”

Leo ground his teeth. Even in the short time I’d known him, he’d proven to be such a composed, calming presence—clinical and logical, perfect for a physician—but he wasn’t now. He looked like he might strangle someone.

Asha, on the other hand, was quiet and contained. Unlike the friend I’d known. She looked pensive.

“And you say that this Jim J is still out there?” she asked softly. “What’s going to happen to the Delta?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, pained. “When we left, the White Rose had plans to keep fighting the Order, with the additional help of defectors from the military. It sounded like the military had largely collapsed, and its members chose one side or the other. But as for who’s winning…I couldn’t say for certain.”

Asha exchanged a look with Leo, and some agreement passed between them. Asha turned back to me and patted my hand on top of the bedspread.

“Leave this with me,” she said. “We’ll have to talk about it as a group. But don’t worry about Cade. His threat was empty; he’d never sell you out, whatever he says. He’s just been let down too many times to feel secure in a simple promise. And given our history…”

She trailed off, then cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, Claire. That’s what I came to say before we got sidetracked. I’m sorry for everything. What I did to you was awful, and I’m not asking for your forgiveness or for you to make me feel better about it. I just wanted you to know that I regret it. That I’d take it back if I could.”

Her eyes were on the floor now, and her mouth twisted unhappily. Of all the things I’d expected from her, it wasn’t an apology. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard Asha apologize to anyone.

“Why, then?” I whispered. “Why did you do all this?”

She sighed heavily. “It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with, because my reasons don’t really matter. But the short version is that I’d left Cade and felt I’d lost everything. Seeing you again was a shock to my system that I thought would help me heal, but it just made it worse because you reminded me of the time before Cade. And I realized that before I met him, I’d never been happy before in my whole life. Ever.”

She blew out a breath. “I couldn’t take the loss, so I just wanted to burn everything down instead. I was abused a lot, both at the Cave and afterward, and I was so fucking tired of being taken advantage of and hurt. I wanted to be the one on top for once, instead of being a victim.”

Against my will, my heart ached. I knew how it felt to be victimized by people or by circumstance. At the same time, she’d made a choice to inflict that same pain on others.

“So, you just chose to victimize me instead,” I said coldly. “I was your friend, Asha. I took you in, even arguing with John, because I cared about you. Because I couldn’t live with the idea that I’d left you to die out there when I had the power to prevent it. But you never felt the same about me.”

Asha swallowed hard, clearly uncomfortable, but she didn’t contradict me. After a heavy silence, she finally said, “I felt it when I saw you in the woods, before we brought you here. You were in such bad shape, and I knew I could help you…so I did. Too late, I know. But I hope maybe it can convince you that my apology is real, even if you don’t forgive me.”

“What changed?”

She considered. “I almost died. That changes your perspective on things. And I found Cade again, and he still loved me despite everything I’d done. And I still loved him, too. Here at Ashburn, I’m free in a way I never was before. We’re forging our own path, and taking care of our people. Someday, I hope this becomes known as a safe place for people like me—people who’ve been abused and trafficked. We’ve already rescued a couple girls who live here now.”

I remembered what Kimmy had said about the women she’d seen. “They wanted to live here?”

Asha raised an incredulous eyebrow. “Of course. You didn’t see the kind of places these girls live in. It’s hard work, living here, but it’s clean and quiet and nobody expects them to earn their keep on their knees.”

I grimaced. “Is that what it was like, before you found me again?”

She hesitated, but then nodded. “I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget. Cade was the only one who helped me back then. And Leo and Dom, obviously.”

I glanced at Leo, who looked less angry now and more crestfallen. I considered Asha’s words, studied her face, and decided I believed her, after all. I believed her apology, despite my better judgment, because the Asha I knew would’ve never said it in the first place.

I wanted to hate her. I wanted to be indignant and angry and ruthless, but I was too exhausted for that. The rage and angst I’d felt at the Delta had bled into everything, and I was burned out on hatred for the time being. I’d spent my time there destroying a regime that undoubtedly deserved to burn, but now, I wanted to nurture, to grow, to build instead of razing everything and salting the earth. Without the regrowth, I didn’t see a point.

So, I said, “I forgive you, Asha. But understand that I’ll never trust you again. We’ll never be friends.”

She bowed her head. “I understand. Thank you.” She stood to leave, but not before she reiterated, “Don’t worry about Cade. I’ll talk to him. You guys should head home to Summerhurst tomorrow.”

I nodded, and she disappeared into the night. I lay back down in my bed and exhaled slowly. There was peace in forgiving her, and I’d begun to drift off again when I was woken by Leo’s sharp, uneven breath and the sound of his sorrow.

It took me a moment to realize he was weeping.

Chapter 38

John