Page 81

Again he cleared his throat softly of a blockage that she realised was his ever-controlled emotion bubbling up. ‘Yes. He was a special fellow, one of the first to go to war in 1914, and he gave his life in early 1915. His body is yet to be found and before you ask, I suppose it is one of the reasons I put my hand up to be part of the force that retrieved the fallen. I always hoped and yet feared that one day I’d unearth Ed.’

‘Oh, Harry,’ she murmured, her tone changing again to one heavy with sympathy as she reached to squeeze his arm. It was no use; she couldn’t even pretend to hate him, even though he was causing her agony right now.

He met her gaze and covered her hand with his own. Harry continued; clearly a gate had been opened that had been bolted firmly for years. ‘We were one of countless families grieving but Bethany was inconsolable because losing Ed had effectively ripped away her life, her dreams, her future.’

Alex frowned in a sense of shock; she hadn’t seen this coming and yet somewhere deep down she’d surely known it. A man like Harry hardly went unnoticed, unclaimed, unloved. She walked to the window and leaned against its frame, hoping to make some sense of the news and how it affected her and whatever decisions came next. It didn’t matter what she chose to do, though. Alex was sure she would feel the caress of his lips against her skin for the rest of the day and no doubt a yearning to feel that kiss for years to come. She swallowed, shame trilling through her as she thought of her parents and how she was letting them down simply allowing her needy behaviour to overcome her perspective.

This was going to be her punishment, then; she would forever regret his touch and yet long for it for the rest of her life.

‘And?’ she prompted, desperate to move away from her guilt.

‘It seemed the right thing to do.’

‘What was right? Wait! Harry, do you mean you’re married?’

‘I am not married,’ he repeated, firmly this time.

‘Then what?’ She could hear the exasperation in her voice to cover the simmering hurt and yes, even anger, at the realisation that she never did have Harry. Her tiny daydream was only ever an affair for him.

‘I am supposed to marry her. We’d agreed if and when I returned from the war. And then I put my hand up for the extra duties. Still she remained patient.’

Alex didn’t realise she’d balled a fist.

‘Be careful,’ he murmured, at her side within a stride, clasping her fist in his larger hand. He must have thought she was going to break the windowpane with a wayward punch of anger or perhaps break her fingers if she connected with the wall. She would never have attempted either but the caution was lost in her scrambling thoughts of jealousy about the loss of someone she knew she never possessed.

Do you ever possess someone anyway? The useless and unhelpful notion echoed around her mind.

They stood motionless in the suddenly frigid atmosphere of the room, staring down a garden path that turned a corner leading out of sight. It felt symbolic of the juncture she found herself at.

‘When were you going to tell me?’

‘Never,’ he admitted. ‘I was going to kiss you farewell today – if I was lucky enough to get that close – and I planned to go home, do the right thing for Bethany with her winter wedding on Valentine’s Day, and our two paths would not cross again.’

‘Just like that?’ She sounded incredulous while she was certain he sounded callous.

‘It seemed kinder. You are married and I’m about to be. What we shared these last few days was private – dare I say, rarefied – as though it doesn’t belong in anyone else’s life but the filmy, unworldly hours since I met you. Even though there was no reason for us to meet I’m going to convince myself that spiritual forces pushed us together and now they’re pulling us back into our real lives.’

‘That all sounds subtle and otherworldly, Harry, but you let me fall in love with you anyway,’ she snapped.

Harry managed to somehow look wounded and awed at the same time. It only intensified her helpless yearning to be wrapped in his arms. And yet what a ridiculous notion that seemed now.

‘Is that how you feel?’

‘Of course it is! Do you think I’d risk so much just for an affair, a silly crush, a brief liaison?’

‘Frankly, that’s exactly how I saw it for you. You are married, bored, desperate for affection! So . . . how do you see this unfolding?’

‘Harry, do you love me?’

‘From the moment I saw you tuck this same wayward curl of hair behind your ear in the visitor office,’ he said, smiling sadly and reaching to gently twist the slippery kink around his finger.

‘Then —’

‘I can’t have you, though,’ he said, preventing her finishing her thought. ‘I cannot take you from him, nor would I. It would be wrong.’

‘But making love to his wife clandestinely sits comfortably with you?’

‘No,’ he said, hanging his head. ‘Not at all. But that’s a personal shame I’ll live with. I didn’t know we were coming to our private haven.’ He lifted a shoulder. ‘The most I allowed myself to believe was that we might steal some secret time to kiss on a lonely path.’