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“That’s what—that’s what…” I stutter.
“That’s what got Nolan killed. He was the only casualty.” He looks down at his feet, sighing again. “He was nineteen. He was just kid, like I was.”
He places his hands down on the counter to steady himself. “Have you ever heard of the term survivor’s guilt?” he asks.
“You feel guilty, because you survived?”
I know that’s what he means, but it’s so hard to comprehend. Sean, the jovial and upbeat boy I knew, was questioning why he wasn’t the one who died. And it breaks me into a million pieces.
“I didn’t understand it,” he goes on. “Why wasn’t it me? I was standing closest to Nolan. I was right there. Why…did the universe choose for him to die, but I survived? Our entire squad, we we’re fine. Why him? He had a girl waiting for him back home. He was taking college courses. He wanted a family.” His voice becomes hoarse. “Why wasn’t it me? That’s the only question I could ask myself.”
How do you even respond to that? The answer is—you don’t really. You go with what everyone says, which is, “I’m so sorry, Sean.”
He gives me a forced smile. I’m sure it’s the same one he gives everyone.
“For years, I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror,” he whispers.
A hard lump forms in my throat.
He smiles again, but this time it’s completely genuine. “And then…you walked into the shop.” He stares off to the side, remembering. “I thought I was dreaming at first. It wouldn’t have been the first time I dreamt of seeing you back here. But, I finally got the courage to see myself again. Who I used to be.”
“So, when your mom said that I brought back the light in you?”
“She wasn’t exaggerating, Bee. Can you understand now, why I’ve been so adamant about not losing you? It’s because you brought me back.”
His hand slides across my cheek, brushing away the tears.
“Thank you for telling me.”
“Now, I have one last question for you,” he says, taking a step back.
“What is it?”
“Who’s going to chop these onions? I vote for you, because you’re already crying.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Sure, I’ll do it.”
22
June, Nine Years Earlier
My fingers tingle as I open my bedroom door. Today’s the day I tell them I’m leaving.
It’s official. It’s actually happening.
Maggie already started her transfer to a new school in New York for the fall. We found an apartment that isn’t crazy expensive. I’ll have enough money for at least a few months to get myself settled and find a good job. Hopefully I can find one straight away, so I have my savings in my back pocket for emergencies.
The thing is, once I’m gone, that’s it. Eloise would never let me move back in. She’s told me that herself. Once I’m gone, I’m on my own for the rest of my life.
The fear of failing hasn’t stopped me before, and it won’t now.
I step into the hallway, Eloise’s head visible from behind the couch. Her thin hair is sticking out from her bun as she watches TV.
My dad is sitting across from her in a small grey arm chair.
Just breathe.
You can do this.
