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HotScore: Dream job, dream man, luxury holidays…

RoughingTheModel: Sounds perfect. It’ll happen one day.

HotScore: Do you really believe that?

I want to. I really fucking want to, but I can’t help but wonder if those kinds of happily ever afters are for other people.

Watching Sienna and Calvin, even if it’s been from a distance, goes to prove that those kinds of relationships exist. Sure, they’re not perfect. They argue, and I’m sure there will be hard times, but I have no doubt that they’ll work to ensure the worst doesn’t happen.

I’ve always said I’m not interested in all of that. But deep, deep down, I would love to have someone at my side that I’m confident will be there through everything.

We grew up watching our parents ride out the highs and lows of life together, and now, I’m going to get to see my big sister do the same.

I…I want it too.

I want a man who will be there for me no matter what. But up to this point, I’ve never met anyone I’d be willing to spend more than a few weeks with, let alone a lifetime.

You haven’t got bored of Nash yet, a little voice pipes up.

I try to smother it, but I can’t deny that it’s true.

If it were anyone else, I’d have moved on already, especially after he told me we couldn’t meet in person. But even before I knew who it was, he lured me in.

It’s because I can’t have him. That’s why I’m still interested.

RoughingTheModel: Honestly, no. But I figured it was the right thing to say.

HotScore: I suspected that. So what do you believe in?

He doesn’t respond for so long that I start to believe that I killed the conversation. I close the app and switch over to X, reading through the hockey gossip.

I’m lost in a thread, reading posts from fans arguing about a penalty that Anaheim took last night, when a notification pops up.

He’s back.

I quickly abandon the thread in favor of a real-life hockey player. Fans arguing might be entertaining, especially when they’re wrong, but no amount of chirping will distract me from a real player.

RoughingTheModel: I believe that you get out what you put into life. I believe that working hard will always be worth it eventually. And I want to believe that one day, everyone will be accepted for who they are instead of being forced to live a life full of judgment and discrimination, but I struggle to convince myself that it will ever happen.

HotScore: Can I assume from that that no one knows you hang out on this app and send deliciously filthy videos to other men?

Obviously, I already know the answer to this. But I figure I’m not meant to know who he is.

RoughingTheModel: You would guess correctly. There are many people in my life who wouldn’t accept how I live my life. I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with the fallout.

HotScore: That sucks. I’ve been lucky, my friends and family are incredible and have always been understanding and supportive of my choices. I hope that one day, you’re able to find that as well.

RoughingTheModel: Me too, muse. Me too.

20

COOPER

“What the actual fuck,” I mutter as I pull to a stop outside Rovvy’s apartment building to find him standing beside what I can only describe as a bear.

The second he sees me, Rovvy waves and starts making his way over, bear in tow.

He pulls the door behind me open before instructing his companion to climb in.