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Tony shakes Eddy’s hand with real enthusiasm, almost like he’s trying to test the strength of his arm.

‘We watched the final last week, and you were robbed,’ he tells him. ‘Absolutely robbed. That try was unbelievable, though. I’ve watched it about twenty times, and I still don’t know how you got above Jamie Royle, but I loved seeing the little shit knocked on his arse.’

‘Darling…’ Tina warns him again, but he doesn’t seem to be listening.

‘Wasn’t he amazing?’ I say.

Eddy glances at me, smiling. ‘Thanks.’

‘Honestly, Teen, he’s a legend,’ Tony continues. ‘Man of the Match from the losing side. Do you know how often that happens?’

‘No,’ she says, as though that should be obvious. I can see her irritation bubbling below the surface.

Tina turns her attention to me.

‘I can’t believe you’re dating a rugby player,’ she says. ‘The last time we saw you we thought you’d gone off the deep end, that you’d resorted to making up a boyfriend.’

Eddy gives my hand the most subtle squeeze.

‘Sometimes, I can’t believe it either,’ I tell her with a sweet smile.

‘Come in, come in,’ Tony says – I suspect with the most enthusiasm he’s offered to anyone all evening.

The entrance hall is large enough to echo, probably, I’m not calling out for help just yet. There’s a curved staircase that probably leads to sixteen bedrooms, an enormous mirror and table in the centre of the room (with kids? seriously?) with a large vase of flowers sitting proudly in the centre. There’s something else though, on and around the table: gifts – fucking loads of gifts.

‘Gifts go there,’ Tina says, reading my mind.

‘I thought you said no gifts,’ I tell her.

I know she did because the line on the invitation – your presence is our present, no gifts please, we already have everything – made me cringe myself inside out. And I notice she said ‘we already have everything’ rather than ‘we already have everything we need’. I almost wanted to rise to the challenge, to think of something they didn’t have, and bring it, like a pet tarantula – but I wouldn’t wish it on the spider.

‘This is my gift, right here,’ Tony says, slapping Eddy on the back. I could swear his expression briefly changes, like that might have hurt his hand. ‘Let me get you a beer.’

‘And I’ll get you a cocktail,’ Tina says, hooking her arm with mine, leading me to a different part of the kitchen. Impressively, she’s gendered the drinks, for absolutely no reason other than because she has. Beers, red wine and what looks like whiskey on one side, cocktails, white wine and orange juice on the other. Even the tablecloths are baby blue and powder pink. I wish I liked beer, just to piss her off, but I’ll take a cosmopolitan, if there’s one going.

‘I’m so glad you haven’t come alone,’ she tells me, handing me a drink. ‘I was worried this might be hard for you.’

‘What do you mean?’ I ask, instantly regretting it, because what are the chances her reply isn’t going to hurt?

‘Well, with you being the only one of our gang not married, no kids, not on the property ladder, nothing on the horizon,’ she explains. ‘I’m glad you have a novelty boyfriend, to make you feel good about yourself. I was worried you might be jealous, seeing my house, but, look, you have prospects too, don’t you? I’ll bet Eddy has a nice house he lets you stay in.’

I stay silent, because what the fuck was that? Is she that rattled by me having an impressive boyfriend – sorry, a novelty boyfriend, like he’s an apron with a huge fake penis hanging from it – that she has to go that nuclear? Is that not an overreaction?

Before I can say anything, Eddy and Tony return.

‘Well, I have other guests,’ Tina tells us. ‘But guests are free to tour the property, so have a look around, see all our nice new things. Everything set out is for eating and drinking, and we have plenty more wine in the wine cellar. I know how you get through it…’

I’m gritting my teeth so hard, I can’t reply. Luckily the doorbell rings, and Tina drags Tony off, to greet more people.

‘Do you fancy a look around?’ Eddy asks.

‘Yes, get me away from her,’ I reply. ‘Because she’s apparently so livid that I’ve turned up with you, she just played a game with herself where she attempted to see how much stuff she could say to offend me inside a few minutes, and she did really fucking well.’

‘Her husband seems nice,’ he replies.

‘I always think of him as more of a financial hostage than a husband,’ I reply. ‘He’s a CFO for… I don’t know, some big company. That’s where all the money comes from.’

‘Does Tina work?’ he asks.