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I get more nervous watching these twelve girls compete than I do going to perform for a full arena.

“Introducing your twelve youth hip-hip. Give it up for Emerald Dance Company.”

My heart skips.

For twenty-seven years, I’ve heard every announcer under the sun refer to our studio as Star Studios. We became a household name, and now hearing the new name, and being all the way across the country, makes me feel worse than it already did.

The lights darken, and their small bodies fill the space with small shadows. The crowd goes crazy.

When the lights rise and their music begins, I can’t take my eyes off the screen. Periodically, I’ll find myself whispering their eight counts or counting their turns. All the while, gnawing at my fingernail, lucky to not be drawing blood.

By the end of their routine, I’m out of breath and in tears.

Jerking the phone off the floor, Vic flees behind the girls until they’re all backstage.

“Guys, guys, I’m on the phone with Coach Fia. Tell her good luck before her show.”

I smile, tears trailing from my eyes when I finally get to speak to them.

“You guys, that was amazing! I’m so proud of you.”

It’s not this show that I care about. It’s the one they just put on that means everything to me.

“Go crush it, Coach. We love you!” Grace yells and pulls back from the screen, lengthening her leg to show me the words printed down the leg of her costume.

Do it for Fia.

“I love you all, too.”

The energy backstage is pumping, and so is my heart. My nerves are a mess, and I have no idea why. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this level of nerves. I’ve done this so many times I’ve lost count, yet I can’t stop shaking.

“You okay?” Dan chimes from beside me, holding out my nightly snack.

“Just jitters,” I deflect, rejecting the snack, which he puts back in his pocket, but not without hesitation.

“Are you sure you don’t want this? You always feel better after you eat something.”

“I’m sure.”

I smile at how well Dan has gotten to know me, and how much he cares about my well-being, but eating when so many things are gnawing at my stomach feels impossible right now. I can’t stop thinking about my team and how they’re feeling before awards, but more than that, my mind won’t drift from Jett.

Is he okay? When is he coming back to work? Are we going to be fine?

The European leg of Haven’s tour is two months from tonight, but the further we get into this leg, the more I want to give up early. I don’t know how it would work, or how I’d cope with letting everyone down, but it’s hard to be here when everything I already need is back home.

My life is back in Tennessee—my purpose, my heart.

“Ready Freddy?” Taylor wiggles beside me, the rest of the crew stretching and laughing, all while I’m anywhere but here.

Maybe it’s my heightened emotions, or the nervous tremor that’s pulsing beneath my skin. I just need to get out there and get this over with. The second I hit the stage, it’ll all go away. Just like it always does.

When we finally hit the stage, the first several numbers go by in a flash. The motions I know by memory feel heavy in my limbs, but I chalk it up to exhaustion and emotional drainage.

When Haven’s new single, “Redemption,” starts, the intro track loops as she announces all of us dancers for the very last time.

Each dancer bows one by one, then the band.

Cheers erupt and smiles spread wide on everyone’s faces, like this is the best night of their lives. Until they reach me.