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“I’m blown away, girls. This routine is going to be incredible.”

I watch as they catch their breath in front of me, thankful to be able to catch my own.

This coaching gig is no joke.

“I knew you guys were quick learners, but wow. You all executed that last time almost perfectly.” I smile, happy I went with something more challenging when choreographing their routine.

“Easy when you’ve got the best coach.”

Grace, one of my really advanced dancers, glows.

Never in a million years did I think I’d find such joy in coaching, but over the last year, it’s taken my heart for a wild ride. Coaching a youth team at Star Studios was meant to be a placeholder.

Quick and easy money while I waited for the tour with Haven Rivers to begin. I hadn’t anticipated not wanting to leave.

“Please, I deserve no credit. You girls are the ones who’ve put in the work.”

The girls scurry for water as I fiddle with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Tension coils below my ribs as I wait for them to meet me back in the center. Today’s my last day; they just don’t know it yet. I’ve had a year’s worth of opportunities to tell them, but when is it the right time to tell people you spend almost every day with, people you love, that you’re leaving for an entire year.

Two years ago, I got the opportunity of a lifetime; an opportunity that should feel like the peak of my career. Too bad the only thing I feel when I’m not with the girls in front of me is the dark pit from my visit to hell.

Being with them has been my only escape. That and one blissfully unforgettable night with someone I won’t let myself think about.

“Get some water and let’s huddle up.”

I try to make myself excited about this tour. Just two years ago, I’d been jumping at the idea of fulfilling a lifelong goal. Making my dreams a reality, but dreams fade. Or maybe my vision dimmed, but coaching has made it a little brighter. On top of my personal conflict, it doesn’t help that after a year of pretty intense rehearsals, I’ve failed to build any worthwhile relationships with the other dancers on tour.

Maneuvering my way toward the sound system, I turn it off completely just to busy myself. Fidgeting be dammed, the sudden silence does more to sadden my spirit than when I rehearsed this in my head.

I’m not ready to leave them.

“Everyone sit for just a few minutes. We have some stuff to go over before you guys get out of here.”

Coaching came naturally to me. I’d helped with choreography here before, since my home studio knows how passionate I am about it, but coaching was a spur-of-the-moment commitment. With an extra team, they needed the help, and I had the time.

I knew I could do the routine part of it, but the coaching, I was more uncertain about. Coaches are mentors, role models, guiding figures, especially in young lives.

I wasn’t fit to be any of those, yet coaching forced me to be. It gave me a feeling I’ve been longing for, especially in the world of dance.

It gave me security.

The girls form a circle. They’re still warm bodies slowly cooling from the loss of movement. The heat now transfers to me as my palms grow clammy in my lap.

“You okay?” Vic asks beside me.

I lucked out having her as my assistant coach. We’ve danced together since we were three, and by my unnatural response to nerves, she probably senses my hesitation.

“Yeah, I just feel bad.”

“Don’t. They’re going to be so excited for you. Plus, they’re in great hands.”

Tapping our shoulders together, the tension in mine deflates slightly.

“Great job today. It shouldn’t be much longer before you guys get to do it with music.”

Continuing on as normal when I know I’m about to blow up their afternoon feels wrong.

“Is that the news you wanted to tell us?” a pure voice chimes from the middle of the circle, causing my heart to sink.