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Fear has hollowed his face, but he lets my answer stand.

“I understand exactly what I could lose,” I say.

Dr. Sawyer speaks carefully. “Do not attempt an unmonitored spiritual separation while you are this unstable.”

Pepper’s attention sharpens.

“I didn’t call it a separation,” I say.

“Release traditions generally involve some form of separation,” Dr. Sawyer answers. “That is an inference based on my work in this field.”

Her response is reasonable. It still makes me uncomfortable.

“I have seen people mistake emotional relief for physical recovery,” she continues. “Send me whatever records you’re willing to share before you do anything irreversible.”

“We’ll review your protocol first,” Pepper says.

The call ends.

It feels as though Dr. Sawyer took part of the room’s air with her.

Theo removes the laptop from the table. Pepper stays in my lap.

“She never asked whether you wanted the bond quieted,” she says.

“She asked for consent.”

“To treatment. Not to what the treatment might take away from you.”

I touch her cheek. “Thank you for seeing that.”

“I’m very smart,” Pepper says.

“You’re terrifyingly smart.”

“And cold.”

“And sitting on me.”

Her mouth finally curves.

Theo returns and sits close enough that our thighs touch. I take one of his hands and one of Pepper’s.

Dr. Sawyer has offered a way to keep me present. Pepper remembered to ask whether I would still be myself when she finished. How could I not love this woman? And how am I ever going to walk away from either of them?

Chapter 37

Pepper Vines

The printer spits Josephine’s family tree onto the floor at 4:38 a.m. Ezra catches the page before it slides beneath his downstairs studio desk.

“Success,” he says. “We have defeated the printer.”

“We have managed one printed page.”

“Were you not here for the first three attempts? One page is better than zero.”

I look at the recycling bin beside his chair. One sheet is blank. Another contains half a family tree and the top of Ezra’s email inbox. The third is entirely black except for a white square in one corner. “What happened there?”