Page 104

“What the hell is going on?” Solomon barked as we pulled into the garage of our home. We were much closer to the rest of my family, so it only took us a few minutes to get home. Without warning, he snatched the phone from my hands and got out of the car.

My sisters must have been telling him what happened because it took a while before he said anything.

“What type of sick shit is that? How would they have even gotten their hands on something like that?” He asked them.

I stood there frozen as he stepped into the house. I knew whatever it was, it would set me back, and I didn’t even want to think about what it meant for Solomon. Things had just begun to die down, and now here we were, facing another situation we had to deal with. Our relationship started as a way to help clean up his image, but being attached to me seemed to have only caused more issues.

“This shit is fucked up. I can’t say what I want to say over the phone, but I can’t wait to put an end to this. She shouldn’t have to keep going through this bullshit.”

“Yeah, I know. I mean, you know how she is, so we might as well tell her. There really isn’t any way around it.”

I couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but from Solomon’s point of view, I knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

TWENTY-FIVE

honesty graham

THREE DAYS.

That was how long it had been since my world came crashing down on me once again. I had no idea who I had pissed off in the universe, but I desperately wanted to get rid of all the bad juju in my life.

I figured whatever my sister’s wanted to keep from me was bad, but nothing could have prepared me for what it actually was. Solomon begged me to stay offline for the night, but there was no point. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the unknown hanging in the balance.

Reluctantly, he sat me down on the couch and showed me what had everyone in a tizzy. The moment the video played, I knew exactly what it was. One night after Rondell and I had come back to his room after getting wasted at a party, he asked if we could try something. I agreed, even though I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to. He promised it would be a video for our eyes only, so I agreed.

My stomach grew sick as I watched a young, drunk Honesty drop to my knees and unbuckle his pants. The video only lasted for three minutes, but the damage it had caused would last a lifetime. The caption said, “She doesn’t look like a battered woman to me.”

I had never felt so humiliated in my life. Depression had made itself comfortable with no signs of leaving. My family tried to comfort me, but there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better. Jett was able to get the video taken down due to me being a minor, but the damage was already done. I didn’t even want to think about how many people had saved or screen-recorded the video before it was scrubbed.

It had been three days since I had uttered more than a few words or left the house. My shame suffocated me, and I couldn’t stand the idea of going out in public to face the world and its limitless judgment.

Solomon had been trying his best to comfort me, but there was nothing he could do. He offered to cancel his upcoming shows and interviews for me, but I insisted he go anyway. It’s not like him being here would change the situation or make it better.

My phone was completely shut off because I didn’t want to be connected to the outside. I didn’t want the sympathy messages, the “I’m here if you need me” calls, or anything else. There were no words in the English language that would offer me any semblance of comfort. I thought after Rondell died, I would never have to deal with the pain and humiliation that came from being with him, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I felt violated, the same way I did on those nights when he would strip me down and beat me until I blacked out. It felt like someone had taken my consent from me and turned my actions into something dirty and dishonorable. A part of me was glad my father was no longer living because I was sure he would have been disappointed in me.

My momma tried to book a ticket to come visit, but I begged my siblings and Solomon to stop her. Being in her presence would only make me feel lower than I already did. Someone had set out to hurt me, and they had succeeded in a way that left me contemplating if life was worth living anymore.

I sat there in Solomon’s bed as another panic attack paralyzed me. Tears dripped down onto my tank top as I struggled to catch my breath. It had been a few years since I had experienced a panic attack, but they had been coming in waves. I hadn’t told anyone because I didn’t want to add another thing to their list of things to worry about. That was another reason I sent Solomon away. I didn’t want him to see how weak I was or how badly this situation had broken me.

Beads of sweat collected at my temples as I whispered a prayer. I begged God to make it go away. I pleaded with Him to take the pain away, so I could function like a normal person. It might have seemed dramatic to some, but every time I thought about all of the things I had endured in my past, I cried for the girl I once was and the young woman I was fighting to become.

It seemed as if I took two steps forward and ten steps back. I wanted to be with Solomon more than anything, but I started to think maybe I wasn’t the woman he needed. He had overcome so much in his life, and just when he was finally on top, there I was, messing it all up.

It took a moment for my breathing to return back to normal, but I still felt a little out of place. I willed myself to get out of the bed to get something to drink. My appetite was pretty much nonexistent, so I at least tried to stay hydrated. I unscrewed the cap on my water bottle and took a sip. My throat felt a little raw, but I was due to all of the crying and screaming I had been doing.

Leaning against the counter, I looked around the kitchen and into the living room. We had been in the new house for a few months, and it had finally begun to feel like home. Solomon gave me free rein to do whatever I wanted, and I appreciated his trust in me. I wrestled with my internal thoughts as I considered what life would look like without him in it. As much as it pained me, I had to think about the best interest of the man I loved. Solomon was in his prime, and he deserved a chance to go as far as his talent could take him.

Knock. Knock.

My head whipped in the direction of the front door. I wasn’t expecting company, and I wondered who could possibly be at the door. A part of me wanted to ignore them in hopes they would go away, but the knocks grew louder and more insistent.

“Who is it?” I shouted as I made my way over.

There was no response on the other end, so I checked the cameras on my iPad. It was Freedom. I took a deep breath before I turned the lock and removed the chain.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, while I stood in the doorway.