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I pressed the phone against my chest. There would never come a day when I was okay with burying my son. I knew that much, but I could make peace with knowing that I had loved him the best way I knew how. By the time I made it home, I couldn’t remember the drive over. When I walked up to my apartment, my feet felt a little heavier. There was a box in front of my door, which was odd because I hadn’t ordered anything. It was addressed to me, but there wasn’t a return name or address.

I scooped the box into my arms and then unlocked my front door. Walking over this threshold felt different now that I knew my son was dead. He had been missing for months; still, I had never felt the emptiness I felt right now in this moment. When I made it inside, I placed the box onto my kitchen counter along with everything else in my hand. After grabbing a pair of my kitchen scissors, I cut the box open. Tears welled in my eyes when I recognized the handwriting on the note that rested on top of a black plastic bag that was inside…

Ma,

If you get this box and haven’t heard from me yet, then some shit happened. And that’s not on you so don’t blame yourself. I chose this life so everything I’ve been through is on me. I love you…

- G

I held the note close to my chest as if that would bring him back. I opened the plastic bag, and stacks of money were inside. Lord knows that I was about to start a GoFundMe and possibly take out a loan just to bury him. Now I didn’t have to.

“Thank you, baby. Thank you, God.”

I was a woman who was broken now, and I would have to learn how to live with that. I promised that whatever I did with all this money would be something in my baby’s honor.

Chapter 29

Trigga

Ihad been staring at the same television for almost twenty minutes, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing that was happening on it. Maliah was curled up beside me on the couch, scrolling through her phone with her legs stretched across my lap. Every now and then, she’d laugh at something she was looking at and turn the screen toward me, expecting me to find it just as funny. Normally, I would’ve had something smart to say. Tonight, I barely had anything to say at all.

“You’re not even looking,” she complained after showing me another video.

I glanced at her phone.

“I’m looking.”

“No, you’re not. What happened in the video?”

I looked at her, and she sat staring at me with one eyebrow raised.

“Something funny.”

“Boy, please.”

I smiled a little, and she shook her head before going back to her phone. I rested my hand against her thigh and looked toward the television again. It had been a few days since everything happened at the fairground, and I still hadn’t figured out how I was supposed to feel about any of it. Ghost was dead. I had spent so much time wanting that nigga out of the way that I hadn’t considered what it would feel like once he was. I was so sure that I wanted him gone. Now… I didn’t know what the fuck I was feeling.

I rubbed my hand over my jaw. I wondered whether Ms. Gia had heard anything yet. The morning after the shit, I changed my number. I had to leave Ghost, and everything tied to him, behind me. Still, I wondered whether somebody had found him. I wondered whether she had gotten that phone call that I had been dreading for her. I thought about reaching out more than once, but what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell her I’d been standing there when it happened. And I damn sure couldn’t tell her who pulled the trigger.

I had made a decision to keep that night between me and MJ, and I wasn’t about to go back on it. Still, the thought of Ms. Gia having to bury her son bothered me. Especially when I promised her that I wouldn’t harm him. But didn’t I keep my promise, considering that I wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger?

“You okay?”

I looked down at Maliah. She had put her phone aside and was watching me.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Because you’ve been somewhere else all night.”

“I’m right here,” I said as I looked into her brown eyes.

“Physically.”

I gave her a look, but she didn’t smile the way she normally would.

“Tahari, I’m serious.”

I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the couch.