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A Recipe for Love

Page 15

by Sara Adrien

She turned Papa’s sentence over like a coin and found strength in its weight. It was not meant for a duke in a navy coat—a Your Grace whose title alone could crush a small pâtisserie without ever noticing. She did not even know which duke he was; only that his coachman had called him so as he stepped into the street. He belonged to ballrooms and Cabinets, not to Harley Street kitchens. Precisely because he was impossible, her thoughts kept circling back to him.

“You know what is at stake,” Mrs. Hart said at last, voice even, hand tucked into Pepper’s elbow as if they were two ladies out for nothing but air. “If you do not at least appear to try for a husband, your mother will not relent. She will invent new schemes. She is very gifted that way.”

“I am aware,” Pepper said dryly. Then, softer, “I do not refuse a future. I refuse to be handed into it like a parcel.” The words tasted braver than she felt. Whenever anyone spoke of husbands and heirs as if they were guaranteed, something ached under her ribs—half longing, half dread. Part of her could picture small hands and a noisy nursery; part of her shrank from the thought of building a life on a promise her body might not keep. She could not bear the idea of a man waking after the vows and looking at her as though she had failed him, not by lack of affection but by not giving him the children he had counted on. Better, for now, to be thought difficult than to be discovered wanting.

Mrs. Hart’s mouth curved. “Then we shall manage appearances with care. Smile at whomever needs a smile. Stand when you must. Sit when you can. And disappear to the kitchen whenever the door opens.”

Pepper exhaled, a laugh that nearly didn’t exist. “That last part sounds the best.”

They crossed into Cavendish Square. Sun slid along the brick. Pepper adjusted her grip on the box and felt the recipe give the faintest crinkle from moving. The thinnest dough often fractured when transported, it was a sign of quality and even more reason to prepare it fresh right before serving.

“I will carry this,” she said. “Papa’s words. Papa’s recipe for love.” The admission surprised her with its steadiness. “I will not trust any future man that cannot meet a spoon of crème and tell me the truth—about whether he can taste the bitter under the sweet and still want another bite.”

Mrs. Hart slowed them for a cart, then picked up again. “And if the spoon tells you nothing?”

“Then the man is not worth the sugar,” Pepper said, and the answer came out cleaner than the reason felt, because a man who could not be honest over dessert would never survive the truths she had yet to tell.

A gust ran the length of the street; her bonnet brim trembled and settled.

“What made you sad?” Pepper asked as they continued walking home, without looking at Mrs. Hart when she asked. People deserved privacy to answer hard things.

Mrs. Hart’s hand tightened and then eased. “You, of course,” she said lightly—then, because she never lied when the truth would serve, “and your father. And a very old story.”

Pepper kept her gaze on the pavement. “Tell me the old story.”

“Well,” Mrs. Hart sighed. “I suppose you’re old enough to hear all of it. I was nineteen; your mother was just turned seventeen. We were not mistress and maid then, but schoolroom friends. My parents sent me to the same finishing school, and her father took us both to France to polish our French. There we did what foolish girls always do—fell in love. Erica with her baker; I with a young officer who belonged to his regiment rather more than to me. I married mine. Six months later he marched away. He did not come back.”

Pepper’s breath hitched. She had known Mrs. Hart’s widowhood as fact, the way one knows that flour becomes bread; she had not known the years around it. “I am sorry.”

Mrs. Hart shook her head, the movement small and practical. “It gave me status. I would rather have had love. Since then, love has been my weakness. I say it without apology. When I saw your mother begin to slip out for walks at odd hours and return with color high in her cheeks, I knew what love looks like when it is foolish and right at the same time. I covered for her. It did not feel like sin but sense because how can love ever be senseless?”

What the world called folly—meeting a baker in secret, risking a scandal—had given Pepper her very life. The sensible future her grandparents arranged had looked like safety and felt like a cage.

Pepper glanced over. “You helped them?”

“I did.” Mrs. Hart’s mouth tightened. “Society rarely asks permission to ruin a joy. Why should joy ask permission of society? Then your mother’s parents discovered the meetings. They shortened the leash. Your mother’s visits ended. She was already with child. So they hastened a wedding and hid her until you were born in Lausanne, in the Swiss Alps. Your grandfather concocted a story that your father died a war hero.” She paused and Pepper understood why. If Mrs. Hart’s husband died a war hero and she’d rather have a husband and a family, she didn’t let Mother suffer the same fate – perhaps there was a chance for her parents to reunite despite the years lost. “Then, your grandfather brought us back here as if nothing were wrong. But I saw your mother shatter under the heartbreak.”

“But she’s not brokenhearted now,” Pepper interjected and bit her tongue as soon as she spoke the words. Come to think of it, Mother had never had any interest in other men despite her beauty and wealth. “All her love and all yours came to me.”

“Always. And after the apoplexy, we feared losing you, your mother, or me. We couldn’t bear it. Nothing in this world was more important to us than you.” Mrs. Hart stared down the street as if an answer to a big question had turned the corner. “Your grandfather called it payment for the sins of your birth. That was the last time your mother and I, for that matter, spoke to him.”

“That’s when we moved to the Townhouse?”

“Yes.”

Pepper bit her lower lip. Wind tugged at her ribbons; she did not stop to fix them. “How can the fruit of love be a bad thing?”

“That,” Mrs. Hart said, “is a question I have asked the world and never received a satisfying answer. I had no children of my own, Pepper. I wanted them. I had your mother with her impossible will, and then I had you—the baby I could help keep whole by giving you two truths: your name, and your father’s hands.” Her voice lowered. “I wanted you to have all the love—the love that made you, and the love that raised you.”

They reached the corner of their street. Pepper slowed to adjust her weight for the curb. Her hip gave its familiar complaint; she ignored it. “What if they found each other again?” she asked, and the words left her before she could test them. “Here. In London. What would happen?”

Mrs. Hart’s step faltered by a breath, then righted. “Your mother is a lady. Your father is a simple man. There are outcomes I will not borrow trouble from inventing.” She pulled her shawl closer. “I do know this: neither would choose a future that harms you.”

Would they sacrifice themselves to protect me? Yes. Because they already had. Pepper almost asked it aloud. The thought burned like lemon on the tongue. “On rainy days,” she said instead, smiling a little for the memory, “you sent me to Aunt Florence.”

“I did.” Mrs. Hart looked ahead. “Your aunt is a woman who believes in steady mischief. She inspires useful distractions. The best kind of aunt.”

Pepper huffed a laugh that tightened quickly into something else. Rainy days had felt like small holidays—from the lie, from Harley Street, from Mother’s watchful talk of doctors and husbands. Aunt Florence pretending she did not know the names of every shop on Bond Street and then listing her favorites anyway.