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I’ve come to hate that word. I desperately try not to think about it, but it keeps popping up in my mind, stalking me during my waking hours, always in the background, always there. It’s like it’s taunting me. As if it’s telling me that I found it, but I can’t catch it, can’t hold on to it.

A lump forms in my throat. I try to swallow down my rising anxiety, but it’s no use. I’m about to be swept under, and I’ll be lucky if I come up for air again.

Hayden stirs, and I don’t even pretend that I wasn’t watching him sleep.

“Hey,” he mumbles. It always takes him a while to wake up and come to his senses.

“Hey,” I whisper.

“Why aren’t we cuddling?”

I laugh. “I don’t know. We must’ve moved apart during the night.”

“Well, get back here.” He opens his arms wide and closes his eyes again.

I shuffle closer until I’m in his arms and sigh. I’m going to miss this. Pressure builds behind my eyes, and my vision blurs. I quickly shut my eyes to try and stem my tears.

Keep it in, Robin.

But it’s too late. A single hot tear slowly cascades down my cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Hayden hugs me tighter. Even with his eyes closed, he knows what’s going on.

I nod, and although he can’t see it, I know he can feel my head move up and down. More tears start to fall, and I try to hold my breath, as if the lack of oxygen might keep my eyes dry. But the dam has broken, and there is nothing I can do anymore. I silently cry into his bare chest. We don’t speak. He just draws soothing circles on my back while he presses me tightly into his chest. I’m not sure how long I cry, but a wave of exhaustion overcomes me, and I drift back into a few hours of blissful sleep.

When I wake up, I’m still pressed against his chest, and I can tell without opening my eyes the sun came up. I take a couple of deep breaths, and I try to memorize what it feels like to wake up in his arms.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Hayden murmurs.

“How did you know I was awake?”

“Your breathing changed.”

“That’s creepy.”

He laughs quietly into my hair.

I slowly open my eyes and tilt my head up to look at him.

He meets my gaze and smiles. “You want breakfast?”

“I’ll miss having food in the house when you leave.”

“You know I’ll order groceries for you.” He kisses my forehead.

I sigh. “Okay, let’s get up.”

We move much slower than we usually do when we get ready. Neither one of us admits it, but we’re both stalling. It won’t change anything, but I can’t help trying to squeeze out any extra moments.

It’s not goodbye forever.

My mom, who’s been staying in the spare room, says goodbye to Hayden and then says she wants to go for a walk around town by herself, but I know she’s trying to give us space.

We don’t say it aloud, but when we finish cleaning up the kitchen, we both know it’s time. He takes me by the hand, and we sit on my front porch.

“Text me when you get there?” I say, forcing myself to make eye contact.

“Of course.” He searches my eyes, although for what, I’m not sure. “Robs, I feel like I need to say this before I go.”