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I really don’t want things with Robin to end.
I’m aware of our situation, and that it was foolish to even start anything with her, but it’s too late. I’m in too deep. Now that I know what she tastes like, what sounds she makes in bed, and how she feels against my body, I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. She’s on my mind 24/7, my brain trying to figure out how to keep her, how I can make time stop.
The funeral is coming up faster than I’d like. We’ve spent every evening this week going over plans, figuring out little details we missed, until we rip each other’s clothes off and go at it. I bring her dinner every night, and then I fall asleep with her in my arms. I haven’t slept in my rental in weeks.
It’s Friday now, and I’m helping Jon at the garage. He’s been silent for the past hour, and I’ve just been hovering around. There isn’t much for me to do today, but I still like being here.
“Can I ask you something?” He looks over at me, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
“Sure.”
“How come you never worked at a garage again after leaving here?”
I was not expecting that question. “I don’t know. I mean, back in the day I only worked here because of you. You took me in.”
He shakes his head. “No. You initially came in here because you were curious about motorcycles. And sure, you liked having to go somewhere that wasn’t home. So you stuck around.”
“True. I’m still not sure I get what you’re asking.”
“You like working on bikes, right?”
“Yes,” I say slowly.
“Then why aren’t you working on them back home?”
“Um, I don’t know. I never thought about it. I have a different job there.”
“But as soon as you returned to Cottondale, you immediately came back to my shop? I know you care for me, but I don’t think that’s the only reason you’re here. You love working on motorcycles.”
“So what? I don’t have much time for hobbies. I do right now because I took time off work to be here and plan Darlene’s funeral. But I never really thought about playing around with bikes after I moved.”
He looks at me intently, as if he’s trying to figure me out. Then after a beat, he shakes his head.
“What?” I say, huffing out a laugh when he stays silent.
“I just … I was surprised you never made it your career. I never saw you as a mechanic, you don’t care for that. But I thought you’d build custom motorcycles. You always talked about that.”
“Yeah,” I say dumbly, not sure what else to say, but Jon doesn’t push me for more.
He’s right though. I did immediately come running back to his shop as soon as I arrived in town. I think a part of me thought I needed something to do, and that I’d feel comfort in my old sanctuary. But he’s right. I do love working on bikes.
“I’ll sure miss having you around when you leave,” he says after a few minutes.
“I’ll visit,” I say, and I mean it. I made a promise to myself that I’d come back more often to spend time with Darlene, Jon, and Mike. I don’t dare think about Robin though. I can’t imagine not seeing her, but I also can’t imagine coming back occasionally, running into her and seeing her life without me in it. I don’t like the idea of a long distance relationship. It seems unfair. But what if I come to visit one day and I see her with some other guy? It’s unrealistic to think she’d never meet anyone else. I want her to be happy. I want her to be cared for and loved. I just can’t stomach the idea that someone other than me might be the one to do it.
“You seem happier. Content.” It’s a statement, but I can hear the question in it.
“Happier than I was at seventeen? I mean, yes, being a teenager was miserable.”
“Happier than you were a few weeks ago,” he clarifies.
“Oh.” I sigh miserably. “Yes.”
“Why do you sound so upset about being happier?” Jon frowns, tilting his head.
I shrug.
I’m not positive that I want to talk to Jon about Robin, but then again, he’s like a father figure to me, and I’ve never been able to talk to my own dad about anything like this.
