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“I haven’t seen you since that night.” His voice was rough, low as if he had to force the words out. “It made it worse, not seeing you. I wanted to call. So many times, but I didn’t know if you’d want me to….” He swallowed. “I tried to go to you. Did you know?”

My eyebrows shot up. “No. No one told me.”

He made a rumbling noise in his throat. “They kept telling me I needed to stay away because of security. I do not know who they were trying to protect,” he scoffed, “but the answer was always ‘no’.”

“I have a security guard now.” I meant it to sound light. I had a whole joke lined up, but it died on my tongue when Jihoon made a sound that was close to a sob.

“Hey, it’s alright. Joon,” I said, immediately conciliatory. “I’m sorry, bad joke.”

I turned to face him, putting my hand on his chest. “What’s–”

He pulled me against him, winding his arms around me until my face was in the crook of his neck. He cradled the back of my head with one hand, and wound the other tighter around my waist. I could feel every breath he took.

“She came after you because of me,” he gasped, the words ghosting across my neck as he lowered his head. Goosebumps broke out over my skin, though from what he’d said or the sudden closeness, I was too tangled up to tell. “They will always come for me through you.”

I wound my arms around him, holding him as my eyes fluttered shut.

I’d heard this before, and it was just as true now, as it had been back then.

“Let them come.” The words fell from my mouth before I’d even thought them through. Before I’d filtered them for intent, but I couldn’t take them back. They hung in the air around us.

“I brought this into your life, Kaiya,” he mumbled into my neck.

I pressed my forehead to his collarbone, taking a moment to compose myself and make sure that whatever I said next was what I meant to say.

“You can’t protect me from the world, Joon. You never could.”

“The threat exists because of me,” he mumbled. His fingers tightened their hold, pressing into the small of my back, and maybe that’s why I arched against him, ever so slightly.

“I was never scared of the world. I would–” I swallowed my words before they betrayed me, a tiny tremor in my throat as my fingers clutched the fabric of his shirt. “It doesn’t matter now.”

He made a frustrated sound that rumbled through me, and for just a moment, his arms tightened, until they let go and he leaned away so suddenly that my body swayed. He leaned against the wall, tipping his head back as he closed his eyes, breathing heavily. I said nothing. Did nothing and the moment seemed to stretch out in front of us.

“I need to get ready,” he said flatly, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

Throat too tight to speak, I nodded.

In one fluid move, he was on his feet. He held out his hands to help me up and I slid my fingers against his. His warm hands closed around mine, effortlessly pulling me to my feet. He didn’t release me immediately. Instead, he surprised me again. He lifted my hands to his mouth, pressing his lips to my knuckles in a kiss so brief that I didn’t even have time to react before he released me and moved over to the door. He held it open, and feigning a stability I did not feel, I moved through it. He fell into step beside me, and together we rejoined the rest of the world.

Chapter 35

Ididn’t overthink my decision to spend the first day backstage. I considered going into a suite with the other crew members, or even going into the stands where they saved seats for the crew, but I couldn’t stomach the thought. I didn’t centre my decision on Jihoon. Not consciously, anyway, but I wouldn’t deny that it settled me to be closer to him than in some faraway seat.

I saw him every time he came backstage. For each costume change and for the intermission. He passed by and each time his eyes sought out mine, no matter who else was around. It felt inevitable. Necessary.

I sat on the sofa in the green room, shoes off, legs crossed under my laptop as I wrote up my notes and caught up on emails. His eyes kept meeting mine in the mirror, despite the stylists bustling around, and I bit back a giddy smile, feeling lighter than I had in days. It wasn’t like we were alone, despite being far from it. It was like hiding in plain sight or sharing a secret across a room and for once, I didn’t try to ignore it.

At the end of the concert, as the fireworks shot into the sky and Auriga splashed across the screens, the members ran off stage and into the corridors where so many of us flanked the tunnel to watch. It was dark where I stood. Jihoon came out last, panting, a sheen of sweat on his face and chest. His eyes locked on mine and narrowed, his expression making the air in my lungs seize. He held my gaze as he jogged offstage, and there was something in his expression that made me wonder if he would reach for me, even here, in front of the crew. He didn’t, of course. But his hand brushed against mine, fingers entwining so briefly it could have been an accident as he blew past. I stared after him, heart thumping against my ribs.

It wasn’t a surprise when the knock came at my door later. The clock on the desk read just before midnight.

I got up and crossed the room, not even bothering to look through the peep hole before I opened the door.

He stood there, head bowed, hair still slightly damp and smelling like shampoo. He wore a loose pair of grey sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt.

“Can I come in?” he asked like he thought I’d say anything other than yes.

I opened the door wider, and he moved towards me. I swallowed thickly, half-expecting him to approach me, but he didn’t. He stepped over the threshold and quietly closed the door behind himself before looking back at me. The look on his face was unexpected. Vulnerable, almost resigned, like he had come hoping for something but expected to be turned down.