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“So…” Becka drawled with what I imagined she thought was a tactful expression.

I rolled my eyes. “No, he won’t be there. I don’t know what he’s doing, I don’t know where the group is right now. This meeting is with the tour logistics team and the media team. Nothing to do with the group.”

“Wow, okay, presumptive much? For all you know I was just going to ask about…” Becka visibly flailed trying to come up with something else.

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, fine. But it’s a valid question!”

“Sure, but my original point stands. No idea where he or they are. Not my business. Or,” I paused for a beat, “at least not my business today. In two days for the concert, and after that, yes.”

“Are you nervous? And to be clear – I mean about seeing him. Don’t try and deflect by making this a work thing,” she narrowed her eyes at me, daring me to do just that.

“Becka, I don’t know how many times I can say this. To you, to Mum, to Tae–this is a work thing. I know you all wanna think I’m here for some fairytale, second-chance thing, and I’m running out of ways to tell you I’m not.” I tossed my little pot of moisturiser down on to the desk harder than I intended, and blamed it on my fatigue.

“Look–” I paused, took a breath. Tried again. “Please. Believe me when I say this: I am here to work. Not to fuck around with my ex-boyfriend.”

“Babes, you’re tired,” Becka said in the measured tone she usually reserved for moments before she either blew up, or hung up, “so I’m going to forgive the tone you just took with me. You’re in a high-stress situation, and that must be exhausting, so let me clarify that I was not implying you were there to ‘fuck around’ with your ex. You are a grown-ass, independent, professional woman. You are more than the past you share with Jihoon Baek. I was honestly only asking how you were feeling about having to work with him. You’re allowed to feel a type of way about it. I would!”

I felt like an arsehole. Becka did like to push about certain things, but she’d given me remarkably little grief about this since I’d told her about the tour.

“Fuck. Sorry, Becka,” I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head, feeling the weight of fatigue pressing in on the sides of my brain.

“Forgiven,” she said easily. “Perhaps now isn’t the time to bring it up, anyway,” she laughed. “Wanna debrief…” she looked at her watch, moved her mouth like she was trying to figure out the time difference, and then- “fuck it. Tomorrow, at some point?”

I barked out a laugh. “Tomorrow at some point, it is. Night, Becka.”

“Have a good day, babes. Good luck!”

Walking to the ENT building had the dual effect of waking me up and making me feel a complicated set of emotions I wasn’t brave enough to put names to. Instead of over-analysing myself, I tried to look for changes in the area.

I was disappointed to realise I couldn’t see any. Back then, I’d been so focused on pretending I had a normal life with a normal boyfriend that Seoul had become little more than the backdrop to the world we’d been trying to make for ourselves.

I’d felt so settled here, so at home, that I’d taken for granted I would have all the time in the world to know it properly.

I tried to see it now as I should have seen it then, but there wasn’t much point trying to settle into a place I wouldn’t be here long enough to know. Better to keep it at arm’s length and view it as the tourist I was.

Walking into the building was surreal. It was exactly the same, except for the promotional posters adorning the walls of the lobby.

I was met at the reception desk by one of the tour coordinators and led up through the building. I kept having to fight the mad urge to tell them I used to work here, that I didn’t need an escort. Not that it would have mattered. I wouldn’t have been allowed to roam around unsupervised. I also couldn’t suppress the way I looked around every corner for Hana. As far as I knew, she still worked for ENT. There had never been enough evidence to fire her, or to take any other material action. She’d be around here, somewhere. The thought made my skin crawl, but I pushed it down as I was led into a large meeting room. There were other people already sat around the table, none of whom I knew, and I was directed to take a seat. I sat next to a young woman who looked to be about my age. I turned to her and nodded politely. She returned the gesture with a smile, before sticking her hand out to take mine.

“Kim Sihyeon.” She introduced herself.

“Kaiya Thompson. Hello,” I replied, awkwardly, because no matter how many times I got put in a room with strangers, or sat down to interview people I had met before, I was still that awkward girl from a village in Yorkshire.

But thankfully, before I had to think up ways to continue the conversation, the door opened and more people filed in. They took their seats around the table and a quiet chatter started up. It became clear that most people in this room knew each other. Lastly, a woman with short hair slipped into the room, and for a second my breath caught, but then she turned and I saw her face. I relaxed visibly. Sihyeon turned to me, eyeing me curiously.

“Welcome,” the new woman said in Korean, putting down a binder on the table that was as thick as the Bible.

“Thank you for coming. I am one of the tour coordinators. We wanted to bring you all together so you had the chance to meet the people that will be accompanying the group on tour. We hope everyone here will become familiar, so that your presence on the tour will be as seamless as possible.”

I had to stifle a smile at the subtle way of telling us to be seen, and not heard.

“Everyone in this room is a part of the media team. Videographers, photographers, journalists, biographers.” She nodded to each of us in turn, and I looked around the table curiously, seeing others do the same. “All of you will be working together. You are colleagues. There is no reason to compete for interviews or airtime.” She laughed, but the message was still clear, and I found it curious that she felt the need to point it out. “You all will have received the tour schedule, and travel information. The tour begins in two days, so now is the time to bring up any questions you have.” She pulled the binder close and flipped it open. “So that we can all work together, I’d like to start by going round the table to introduce ourselves. Let’s start on this side,” she pointed to Sihyeon.

Her eyes pinched a little, but she nodded. “Kim Sihyeon. From Seoul. I am a videographer. I’ve worked here in Korea, and also in the US. I’m looking forward to working with all of you.”

The coordinator thanked her and slid her eyes to me. I felt an uncomfortable flush rise up my neck, but I fought to keep my expression neutral as I turned slightly to face the others who were looking at me with polite interest.