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“Jesus chr–” Deep breath. “Joon, I’m not ignoring you. I just… I don’t know how to talk to you, sometimes.”

I heard him take a breath that sounded more like a gasp, but he didn’t so much as twitch.

“Why?” he asked after a moment.

“Maybe for the same reason you feel ‘frustrated’ when you look at me.”

“Kaiya, that is not what I meant.”

“It’s what you said.”

“Yes, but –”

“It doesn’t matter.” I waved him off. “You don’t know me.”

His hand reached for my arm, gently encircling my bicep, holding but not pulling. “Kaiya, please. That–that is not what I meant.”

I turned to him. I could easily have shaken off his hand. I didn’t.

“What did you mean?” I was angry at myself for caring.

Jihoon made a noise in the back of his throat, somewhere between a groan and a laugh.

“I am frustrated,” he said, shaking his head. “It frustrates me because I do not always understand who you are now. Not because you have changed, but because I was not there to see you change. To become the person you are now. It reminds me of why.”

I opened my mouth, but snapped it closed almost immediately.

“I missed it, Ky,” he said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear the slight whine to his voice. “I missed it, and now I don’t always know who you are, and it hurts.”

I spun away from him to face the room, watching the other members put their hands into the tanks, reaching for the stingrays as they glided through the water, sometimes within touching distance.

I had to reach out for the wall, to put my hand flat on its cold surface and feel the texture beneath my fingers.

“Don’t do that,” I murmured.

“Tell you the truth?” he whispered urgently, leaning close enough that I felt the heat of him even through my shirt.

“Put that on me. If I’m different – if I’ve changed, and you didn’t get to watch, that’s your fault.”

“I know. I know, jagiya. Please,” he said roughly, but when I looked up, he had already looked away, squeezing his eyes shut as if he didn’t know what he’d been begging me for.

But before he could continue, or walk away, or whatever else might have happened, Youngsoo loudly announced from the other side of the room that our time was up.

I broke away from the wall and walked further into the large room, dragging a cheerful smile onto my face just in time for Ace to sidle up to me. I expected him to make some sort of joke, but instead he just nudged me with his shoulder and gave me a warm smile.

May 12th

Me

No, Becka. I haven’t seen him in days. Not since before the concerts.

Becka

Has he tried talking to you?

[Sent 23:43]

Me