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“Oh my God,” I croaked. “Go!”
He chuckled, but got to his feet. “Eat your soup. Feel better.”
And then he was gone, leaving me like a useless little island in the maelstrom of the pre-show chaos, protected by a delicate warm feeling.
New Zealand
June 18th
Auckland was our last stop on this leg. I’d always wanted to visit New Zealand. I’d seen so many of my classmates sack off a year of university to come here for their gap year, but I’d never had the nerve to do something so bold.
But look at me now. On tour with one of the most famous groups in the world.
But even here, halfway across the world, I felt like I couldn’t completely shake parts of the past that I would rather stay buried.
Hana.
Her accent was everywhere, and even though intellectually I knew it was irrational, I was reminded of her at every turn. Every time someone in the distance shouted, in the snapshots of laughter as I passed people by as I walked around exploring.
I’d thought of her on and off since finding out about Jihoon’s plan to hide me behind Lee Hyejin, and though the plan seemed to have worked, it didn’t stop the threat from existing. She was still out there. She still had the photos, the videos and enough information to put out a bloody good rumour, directly naming me.
It was like walking around with a sword dangling over my head, and the only thing that was preventing it from falling was my separation from Jihoon.
Unless his feelings had changed since November, I knew he was willing to throw all sense and caution to the wind and go public – if – I decided that this was something I wanted. If we were something I wanted.
And that was the problem, wasn’t it?
Because that was exactly what I was so conflicted about.
It was hard to not have our past shoved to the forefront of my brain when I was surrounded by voices that reminded me of her, and everything that I now associated with her.
Jihoon, and everything that followed, was a story I couldn’t unravel without shaking Hana loose, and I didn’t know if I was prepared for that. Even putting everything else aside, she felt like a grenade, pin pulled. But it wasn’t just my life she was capable of blowing up. Despite his bravado, she could detonate Jihoon’s life, too.
New Zealand was beautiful.
The concerts were as vibrant and joyous as any others.
But I couldn’t help but spend the entire week in a constant state of anxiety.
Chapter 29
June 25th
Cumbria
There was a two-week window between the end of the Oceania leg and the start of the Europe leg, and so the tour had unofficially paused for a brief break.
The members had flown back to Korea to see their families, or work on other projects, like Woojin, who was collaborating with one of ENT’s newly debuted girl groups.
Some of the tour staff had gone on to the next location, but most had gone back to wherever home was. Like me.
It hadn’t been that long since I’d been back, so the novelty of seeing my parents and sleeping in a familiar bed hadn’t hit quite as hard as it had a few weeks ago. The exhaustion, however, had. Coupled with the more than twenty-eight hours it had taken to travel back to the UK, and the overall exhaustion of the tour, I’d gotten home and slept for nearly two days. When I’d eventually felt human enough to emerge, I was nearly four days into my two-week break.
I had work to do – deliverables for the fourth leg of the tour to send to my editor in Seoul – my concert observations and my interview from the aquarium. At first the peace of my parents’ slow, country home was exactly what I needed after the frantic pace of the tour. I sat out on the porch with my laptop, watching the buzzing insects go from the lavender to the daisies. I laughed with my dad about those ‘bastard crows’ that my mum was still feeding.
“I swear, it’s like she’s recruiting them for something,” he’d said darkly one morning, watching them from the kitchen door.
But, as always seemed to happen now that my life had gotten bigger and crossed more borders, I began to feel restless as I tried to fit myself back into the shape of this life, even temporarily.
